By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Preparing to break the news to your kids that you’re divorcing their other parent? Feeling insecure about how to broach the subject? Wondering how much to share? How your children will react? How to handle their questions? How to deal with your special circumstances? What the experts suggest?
Well you’re not alone.
Talking about divorce to your children is tough. You don’t want to make mistakes you will regret.
There are many common mistakes parents make at this time. Learn four of the most important ones so you can avoid them.
* Pressuring children to make choices. Most kids feel torn when asked to choose between their parents. Don’t put them in that position.
* Neglecting to tell your kids that they are not at fault. Don’t assume your children understand that they are victims in your divorce. Remind them frequently that they bare no blame in any way related to your divorce – even and especially if you are fighting with their other parent about them.
* Sharing information only adults should be aware of. Parents often do this to bond with their children or try to win them over. It creates a burden that children shouldn’t have to bare. Talk to adults about adult issues.
* Using your children as spies. Don’t ask and expect your kids to tell you secrets about their other parent’s life and home. It makes them feel uncomfortable and puts enormous pressure on them. They’ll resent you for it.
Fortunately you can reach out to many different professionals to help you if you’re not positive about how best to approach your children. Speak to a divorce mediator or see a therapist who specializes in this subject. Find an attorney who practices Collaborative Law which will result in more positive, cooperative outcomes. Seek the advice of parenting coaches, school counselors, clergy and other professionals. Don’t forget the many valuable books and articles on this topic.
Whatever you do, prepare yourself in advance when talking to your children. Be aware of the impact of your words on their innocent psyches. Avoid the mistakes we have discussed. Think before you leap and give your family a sound foundation on which to face the changes ahead with security, compassion and love.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar
facilitator, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your
Children – with Love! To learn more about the ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, free ezine and other
valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Sunday, May 3, 2009
Mother/Daughter Event for Teens Recommended
Hannah Montana Rules the Box Office
Can Moms Compete with Her Hollywood Influence on Their Daughters?
There are so many competing influences that affect young girls during their formative years. As the teen and tween years approach, it’s easy for moms to feel that their daughters are more likely to listen to their friends at school and Hollywood celebrities. Can mothers compete with the Hannah Montanas and iCarlys of the world?
Karen Nowicki knows that daughters want to hear from their moms more than anyone else. Nowicki is the founder of a unique mother-daughter sleepover event that renews the bond between mothers and their 9- to 13-year-old daughters. This transformative 2-day activity strengthens their relationship through the difficult tween and teen years. It provides an opportunity for mothers to build their daughters’ self confidence during the most influential time of their lives. The scheduled workshops and activities help create memories that mothers and daughters will cherish forever.
At her one-of-a-kind event, Nowicki teaches mothers and daughters:
Why daughters really do want to listen to their moms.
How mothers can have a stronger influence than the media.
That girls are perfect exactly as they are.
How to build a strong bond of mutual trust.
Why laughing together is so important to their relationship.
This event is Friday, May 22nd at 6 p.m. to Saturday, May 23rd at 4 p.m. at the beautiful Dobson Ranch Inn in Mesa, AZ. The event includes meals and a private hotel room for each mother-daughter pair. Early-bird registration is only $350.
CREDENTIALS: Karen Nowicki is a successful author, life coach, and the mother of two tweens. Her children’s book, Maddie Moonbeam’s Garden, is an inspirational tribute to each person’s journey toward learning to love themselves. She is a regular contributor to the Root & Sprout Magazine. Before opening her own coaching business, Nowicki was a teacher and assistant principal for the Kyrene School District. She was also the VP of Schools for Pinnacle Education, Inc. Karen’s media experience includes several radio interviews and an 8 min. segment on The Author’s Show.
CONTACT: Karen Nowicki, (480) 818-0206 (AZ); karennowicki@cox.net; www.motherdaughterweekend.com
Can Moms Compete with Her Hollywood Influence on Their Daughters?
There are so many competing influences that affect young girls during their formative years. As the teen and tween years approach, it’s easy for moms to feel that their daughters are more likely to listen to their friends at school and Hollywood celebrities. Can mothers compete with the Hannah Montanas and iCarlys of the world?
Karen Nowicki knows that daughters want to hear from their moms more than anyone else. Nowicki is the founder of a unique mother-daughter sleepover event that renews the bond between mothers and their 9- to 13-year-old daughters. This transformative 2-day activity strengthens their relationship through the difficult tween and teen years. It provides an opportunity for mothers to build their daughters’ self confidence during the most influential time of their lives. The scheduled workshops and activities help create memories that mothers and daughters will cherish forever.
At her one-of-a-kind event, Nowicki teaches mothers and daughters:
Why daughters really do want to listen to their moms.
How mothers can have a stronger influence than the media.
That girls are perfect exactly as they are.
How to build a strong bond of mutual trust.
Why laughing together is so important to their relationship.
This event is Friday, May 22nd at 6 p.m. to Saturday, May 23rd at 4 p.m. at the beautiful Dobson Ranch Inn in Mesa, AZ. The event includes meals and a private hotel room for each mother-daughter pair. Early-bird registration is only $350.
CREDENTIALS: Karen Nowicki is a successful author, life coach, and the mother of two tweens. Her children’s book, Maddie Moonbeam’s Garden, is an inspirational tribute to each person’s journey toward learning to love themselves. She is a regular contributor to the Root & Sprout Magazine. Before opening her own coaching business, Nowicki was a teacher and assistant principal for the Kyrene School District. She was also the VP of Schools for Pinnacle Education, Inc. Karen’s media experience includes several radio interviews and an 8 min. segment on The Author’s Show.
CONTACT: Karen Nowicki, (480) 818-0206 (AZ); karennowicki@cox.net; www.motherdaughterweekend.com
Sunday, April 19, 2009
Post-Divorce Dads and Step-Dads: Doing It Right
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Being a divorced Dad can be one of the most frustrating experiences any parent will ever face. For many it seems like a can’t-win situation. You find that you’re constantly trying to prove yourself – to your ex, to the children, and often to a Step-Dad who has moved into the picture.
If Mom has custody of the children, it’s more than likely that your children are seeing more of step-Dad than you. That can feel very disempowering and bring up all sorts of issues – not to mention jealousy. While it’s understandable for any Dad to feel that way, it is also wise to get a handle on that jealousy … for the sake of your children.
Think about it this way. When it comes to those children, both you and Step-Dad share a common interest, their well-being. For that reason finding a way to get along with Step-Dad, and show him some respect for his efforts on their behalf, can positively impact everyone in the family dynamic, especially your children. They don’t want to see you angry, fighting, or putting down Mom or Step-Dad. The emotional upheaval this creates for your children complicates their lives, filling them with guilt, confusion and a lack of confidence when it comes to trusting new relationships.
Tom Wohlmut, President of Stepfamily Network, says “Men tend to be very competitive and territorial. But, when they’re parenting the same child, they need to think about being on the same football team, not opposing teams.” A supportive father will therefore help his children to not feel guilty for liking or supporting Step-Dad as he interacts in their lives.
In fact, says Wohlmut, you might want to ask yourself, “What is the one thing I can do to acknowledge the male father figure? Children need to understand there is only one Dad and one Mom and that will never, ever change. But, that doesn’t mean the other male in their life doesn’t have good qualities they can benefit from.”
This, of course, is equally relevant if a new Step-Mom enters the picture on your side. The goal is to do whatever you can to keep your children from feeling conflicted or disloyal if they get along with their Step-Parents and find many of their qualities or areas of expertise to be appealing.
Children have a huge capacity to love as well as to learn from many influences in their lives. Don’t force them to depend exclusively on you, especially if you’re needing it as an ego boost. The real challenge is to continue to build, keep and maintain your relationship with your children – despite time intervals and distance – because of your love for them. You are fortunate when Step-Dad is a complementary figure in their lives who sincerely cares for them and strives to do his best.
No one ever said being a divorced Dad was easy. There are no guarantees regarding who a new Step-Dad will be either. But when you keep your perspective clearly focused on your children’s emotional and psychological well-being, you’ll be steered in the right direction for yourself and your children. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Being a divorced Dad can be one of the most frustrating experiences any parent will ever face. For many it seems like a can’t-win situation. You find that you’re constantly trying to prove yourself – to your ex, to the children, and often to a Step-Dad who has moved into the picture.
If Mom has custody of the children, it’s more than likely that your children are seeing more of step-Dad than you. That can feel very disempowering and bring up all sorts of issues – not to mention jealousy. While it’s understandable for any Dad to feel that way, it is also wise to get a handle on that jealousy … for the sake of your children.
Think about it this way. When it comes to those children, both you and Step-Dad share a common interest, their well-being. For that reason finding a way to get along with Step-Dad, and show him some respect for his efforts on their behalf, can positively impact everyone in the family dynamic, especially your children. They don’t want to see you angry, fighting, or putting down Mom or Step-Dad. The emotional upheaval this creates for your children complicates their lives, filling them with guilt, confusion and a lack of confidence when it comes to trusting new relationships.
Tom Wohlmut, President of Stepfamily Network, says “Men tend to be very competitive and territorial. But, when they’re parenting the same child, they need to think about being on the same football team, not opposing teams.” A supportive father will therefore help his children to not feel guilty for liking or supporting Step-Dad as he interacts in their lives.
In fact, says Wohlmut, you might want to ask yourself, “What is the one thing I can do to acknowledge the male father figure? Children need to understand there is only one Dad and one Mom and that will never, ever change. But, that doesn’t mean the other male in their life doesn’t have good qualities they can benefit from.”
This, of course, is equally relevant if a new Step-Mom enters the picture on your side. The goal is to do whatever you can to keep your children from feeling conflicted or disloyal if they get along with their Step-Parents and find many of their qualities or areas of expertise to be appealing.
Children have a huge capacity to love as well as to learn from many influences in their lives. Don’t force them to depend exclusively on you, especially if you’re needing it as an ego boost. The real challenge is to continue to build, keep and maintain your relationship with your children – despite time intervals and distance – because of your love for them. You are fortunate when Step-Dad is a complementary figure in their lives who sincerely cares for them and strives to do his best.
No one ever said being a divorced Dad was easy. There are no guarantees regarding who a new Step-Dad will be either. But when you keep your perspective clearly focused on your children’s emotional and psychological well-being, you’ll be steered in the right direction for yourself and your children. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Children of Divorce Need Family Photos
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
I read a poignant comment on a blog recently written by a married mother of three. She was a child of divorce whose father moved out of the home when she was four. She talks about having very few pictures of herself as a child and only one of her mother and father together. Her grandfather found and gave her the photo just a few years ago. She framed it and has proudly displayed it in her home for her own children to see.
She explains how special that one photo of her with Mom and Dad is to her. It shows a little girl sitting happily on a lawn with her “real” family – before the divorce.
This woman grieves that she has no other photographs of her father and so few pictures of her childhood. She assumes that her mother hid or destroyed all other photos, “possibly to protect my stepparents’ feelings” as she moved on into other chapters in her life.
She goes on to send a message to all divorced parents who are transitioning into blended families. She stresses the importance of keeping previous family photographs to give to your children at the appropriate time – and not throwing them away. She implores people who are marrying men or women with children to “be the grownup” and acknowledge that children of divorce have other relationships that are meaningful and important to them.
Having pictures, gifts and other reminders of the non-custodial parent is very important to your children. We must never forget the connection and allegiance children innately feel toward both of their parents. When one parent is dismissed, put down or disrespected by the other parent, a part of your child is hurt as a result. They also feel that a part of themselves is flawed which creates much internal confusion.
Allow your children to keep their connection with their other parent – and with their past, unless they choose otherwise. If you’re a step-parent, don’t try to replace the birth Mom or Dad. There is room in a child’s heart to embrace and love you, as well, if you earn their trust and respect. You can’t demand or force it.
The woman’s blog post ends by asking us to imagine how we would feel if someone came into our family and discarded all the photos of Mom and Dad together. If we could just put ourselves into our children’s shoes on a regular basis we would avoid so many errors in parenting, and so many psychological scars.
This woman speaks for millions of children of divorce and her message needs to be heard. It’s also another validation for the concept of creating a family storybook when telling your children about the divorce. Showing the kids photos of the family together, during happier times in the past, reminds them that life moves in cycles and there will be good times ahead. It also shows them that they came from love and that love still exists for them – even if Mom and Dad are no longer living together.
I was particularly interested in this article because my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is based on family photos, as well. The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates that guide parents in creating a valuable storybook using family photos and history. This becomes a great resource tool that puts parents in the right mind-set to break-the-news and move ahead with decisions in the best interest of their children. Even if you're long past the actual divorce, looking through family photo albums can spark conversation and sincere communication between you and your children.
Yes, it might bring up some tears and sadness, but talking about those feelings can be healing for everyone. You can also start new photo albums sharing happy times in the present so you can look back upon this chapter in your lives with smiles in the months and years to come. Isn't this what you want for your family?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © 2009
I read a poignant comment on a blog recently written by a married mother of three. She was a child of divorce whose father moved out of the home when she was four. She talks about having very few pictures of herself as a child and only one of her mother and father together. Her grandfather found and gave her the photo just a few years ago. She framed it and has proudly displayed it in her home for her own children to see.
She explains how special that one photo of her with Mom and Dad is to her. It shows a little girl sitting happily on a lawn with her “real” family – before the divorce.
This woman grieves that she has no other photographs of her father and so few pictures of her childhood. She assumes that her mother hid or destroyed all other photos, “possibly to protect my stepparents’ feelings” as she moved on into other chapters in her life.
She goes on to send a message to all divorced parents who are transitioning into blended families. She stresses the importance of keeping previous family photographs to give to your children at the appropriate time – and not throwing them away. She implores people who are marrying men or women with children to “be the grownup” and acknowledge that children of divorce have other relationships that are meaningful and important to them.
Having pictures, gifts and other reminders of the non-custodial parent is very important to your children. We must never forget the connection and allegiance children innately feel toward both of their parents. When one parent is dismissed, put down or disrespected by the other parent, a part of your child is hurt as a result. They also feel that a part of themselves is flawed which creates much internal confusion.
Allow your children to keep their connection with their other parent – and with their past, unless they choose otherwise. If you’re a step-parent, don’t try to replace the birth Mom or Dad. There is room in a child’s heart to embrace and love you, as well, if you earn their trust and respect. You can’t demand or force it.
The woman’s blog post ends by asking us to imagine how we would feel if someone came into our family and discarded all the photos of Mom and Dad together. If we could just put ourselves into our children’s shoes on a regular basis we would avoid so many errors in parenting, and so many psychological scars.
This woman speaks for millions of children of divorce and her message needs to be heard. It’s also another validation for the concept of creating a family storybook when telling your children about the divorce. Showing the kids photos of the family together, during happier times in the past, reminds them that life moves in cycles and there will be good times ahead. It also shows them that they came from love and that love still exists for them – even if Mom and Dad are no longer living together.
I was particularly interested in this article because my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is based on family photos, as well. The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates that guide parents in creating a valuable storybook using family photos and history. This becomes a great resource tool that puts parents in the right mind-set to break-the-news and move ahead with decisions in the best interest of their children. Even if you're long past the actual divorce, looking through family photo albums can spark conversation and sincere communication between you and your children.
Yes, it might bring up some tears and sadness, but talking about those feelings can be healing for everyone. You can also start new photo albums sharing happy times in the present so you can look back upon this chapter in your lives with smiles in the months and years to come. Isn't this what you want for your family?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
.
All rights reserved. © 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Cooperative Co-parenting: Keys to Making It Work!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry tells us that children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It’s the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for these children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.
That’s why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce as a significant way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic agreements are made and kept and significant mistakes are avoided. Here are some good rules to follow:
1. Don’t deny your child personal time with both of their parents.
If you want your child to weather the challenges that come with divorce and disruption of the family dynamic, allow him/her as much time as possible with both you and your ex. Your child will thank you, have fewer behavioral problems, and grow up happier and emotionally healthier when you honor their love for both of their parents.
2. Don’t argue or have tantrums around your child.
Be a positive role model for your child by exhibiting mature behavior. If you have issues, gripes or reason for angry words with your co-parent, plan a private time alone, far from your child’s eyes and ears, for those conversations. The consequences when you do otherwise will be significant and long-lasting.
3. Don’t make your child your confident – or friend!
It’s hard enough for adults to unravel the complex emotions connected to divorce. Think of how unfair it is to expect your child to bear those burdens on your behalf. You rob your kids of their childhood when you confide or share your feelings about your ex with them – especially when you’re trying to influence them in your direction. Need to rant and vent about your ex? Do it with a friend – or better yet, a professional with an objective ear.
4. Don’t make your child the messenger.
When you have issues to discuss, discuss them directly, not through your children. Not only can the kids mess up the messages, they can also intentionally change the messages due to guilt, anxiety, fear, resentment and other emotions related to protecting one or both parents. This is a big no-no that can lead to no good.
5. Don’t think like a sole parent; you’re part of a parenting team.
When you were married you were one of two parents. You still are. When parenting issues come up, ask yourself what would I do as a parent if I weren’t divorced? If that still makes sense, respond accordingly. You’re a parent first and a divorcee second. Parents who continue parenting as a team create an easier transition and better post-divorce adjustments for their child.
6. Don’t be rigid – flexibility is fruitful.
Every time you bend, go with the flow, compromise and cooperate with your co-parent you model the kind of behaviors that benefit both of you in the long-term. Flexibility reduces defensiveness and builds bridges toward better parenting solutions. Remember, every time you forgive and indulge irritating behavior without creating an issue, you are doing it to make life easier for your child. Isn’t he or she worth it?
7. Don’t exclude the other parent whenever you have a choice.
Even when you are the primary residential parent that doesn’t mean your ex can’t be included in special occasion celebrations, school activities, sports and other events in your child’s life. Think about how pleased your child will be having both Mom and Dad on hand to enjoy significant moments in their life. When it makes sense for both parents to be together on behalf of your child, be cordial and mature. This lifts an enormous weight off your child’s shoulders. They’ll thank you when they are grown.
Sometimes it helps to think about co-parenting as a business relationship that has to work. You make accommodations on behalf of your partner for the higher cause of business success. This can be a valuable perspective for co-parents after divorce. When you put all your efforts into making it work, your children reap the rewards. Isn’t that a bottom line result worth your commitment and attention?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information about the book, Rosalind’s free articles, free ezine and other parenting resources, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
The American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry tells us that children of divorce do best when both of their parents continue to be actively involved in their lives. It’s the ongoing connection that makes the positive difference for these children, minimizing the fact that their parents no longer live together.
That’s why co-parenting is so universally encouraged after divorce as a significant way to reduce the long-term emotional impact on children. Co-parenting styles and arrangements can differ widely from family to family to suit their individual needs. However, most all professionals agree that co-parenting will only succeed if some basic agreements are made and kept and significant mistakes are avoided. Here are some good rules to follow:
1. Don’t deny your child personal time with both of their parents.
If you want your child to weather the challenges that come with divorce and disruption of the family dynamic, allow him/her as much time as possible with both you and your ex. Your child will thank you, have fewer behavioral problems, and grow up happier and emotionally healthier when you honor their love for both of their parents.
2. Don’t argue or have tantrums around your child.
Be a positive role model for your child by exhibiting mature behavior. If you have issues, gripes or reason for angry words with your co-parent, plan a private time alone, far from your child’s eyes and ears, for those conversations. The consequences when you do otherwise will be significant and long-lasting.
3. Don’t make your child your confident – or friend!
It’s hard enough for adults to unravel the complex emotions connected to divorce. Think of how unfair it is to expect your child to bear those burdens on your behalf. You rob your kids of their childhood when you confide or share your feelings about your ex with them – especially when you’re trying to influence them in your direction. Need to rant and vent about your ex? Do it with a friend – or better yet, a professional with an objective ear.
4. Don’t make your child the messenger.
When you have issues to discuss, discuss them directly, not through your children. Not only can the kids mess up the messages, they can also intentionally change the messages due to guilt, anxiety, fear, resentment and other emotions related to protecting one or both parents. This is a big no-no that can lead to no good.
5. Don’t think like a sole parent; you’re part of a parenting team.
When you were married you were one of two parents. You still are. When parenting issues come up, ask yourself what would I do as a parent if I weren’t divorced? If that still makes sense, respond accordingly. You’re a parent first and a divorcee second. Parents who continue parenting as a team create an easier transition and better post-divorce adjustments for their child.
6. Don’t be rigid – flexibility is fruitful.
Every time you bend, go with the flow, compromise and cooperate with your co-parent you model the kind of behaviors that benefit both of you in the long-term. Flexibility reduces defensiveness and builds bridges toward better parenting solutions. Remember, every time you forgive and indulge irritating behavior without creating an issue, you are doing it to make life easier for your child. Isn’t he or she worth it?
7. Don’t exclude the other parent whenever you have a choice.
Even when you are the primary residential parent that doesn’t mean your ex can’t be included in special occasion celebrations, school activities, sports and other events in your child’s life. Think about how pleased your child will be having both Mom and Dad on hand to enjoy significant moments in their life. When it makes sense for both parents to be together on behalf of your child, be cordial and mature. This lifts an enormous weight off your child’s shoulders. They’ll thank you when they are grown.
Sometimes it helps to think about co-parenting as a business relationship that has to work. You make accommodations on behalf of your partner for the higher cause of business success. This can be a valuable perspective for co-parents after divorce. When you put all your efforts into making it work, your children reap the rewards. Isn’t that a bottom line result worth your commitment and attention?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information about the book, Rosalind’s free articles, free ezine and other parenting resources, visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Children Parenting their Parents – a Dangerous Consequence of Divorce
Divorce is tough enough. When children try to protect their parents from its consequences, the parenting is moving backwards and the results are devastating. Always be careful of what you share with your children regarding your own emotional state during and after your divorce. It can create enormous confusion for your children, along with guilt, frustration and despair.
Children who experience their parents divorce are helpless to change the circumstances. But they often try. They want to do something to “fix” the situation, but they haven’t a clue how.
Sometimes they create solutions that make sense in their young minds, but actually cause greater complications. That’s why it‘s so important for parents to take the emotional burden off of the shoulders of their children. Reassure them that Mom and Dad are still their parents and will continue to be there for them with compassion and love. Tell them they need not worry … and remind them that none of this is in any way their fault or responsibility.
Children can be very resourceful in how they behave when they sense either one of their parents is vulnerable or hurting. Often they will side with one parent over the other as a means of support. They may fear that expressing happiness about time spent with one parent can seem like a betrayal of the other. They worry about hurting the feelings of the emotionally weaker parent – or experiencing the disapproval of the emotionally stronger parent. Either way, it’s a lose/lose situation for the child who feels caught in the middle.
Parents are not always aware of how children interpret their comments or emotional displays. If a parent confides to a child that they are very lonely when he or she is with their other parent, it frequently creates a need to “protect” the sad parent. So the child may elaborate on the truth by telling you what they think you want to hear. “I miss you too. I wish I could always be with you. If I didn’t have to stay with Mom/Dad I’d never be there.”
These small white lies can grow into larger stories – even outrageous lies – with the intent of protecting one or both parents. It can also become a vehicle for pitting both parents against one another. Children easily sense when they can manipulate their circumstances – and their emotionally vulnerable parents. This becomes even easier and more tempting when the parents are not speaking to one another or co-parenting cooperatively. The result can be devastating for everyone in the family – each pointing the finger at the other in blame.
When parents are too caught up in their own self-righteous dramas to put their children’s needs first, those children have little recourse but to start parenting themselves. The consequences for the children can take many directions: a sense of mistrust of adults, guilt about knowing they are exploiting their circumstances and deep insecurity because their world is no longer safely guided by parental boundaries. The responsibility here must always fall upon the parents – not the innocent children who are trying to cope with an adult-made situation beyond their control.
Communication is the key to avoiding these complex backward parenting situations. Talk to your children about divorce-related issues as a parent, not a confident. Remember that your former spouse is also a parent that your children love. If your communication with that parent is poor or limited, you are setting your children up for compensating in any way they can – with guilt, frustration, confusion, shame, anger – even revenge -- as the motive.
When you accept responsibility for creating a Child-Centered Divorce and co-parent in the best way for your children’s well-being, they will feel more secure, stable, loved, protected and supported. That gives them permission to continue being children without bearing the burden of having to parent their parents after divorce.
Do you want your divorce to rob your children of their right to enjoy their childhood? Of course not! Then understand the serious consequences of backward parenting and communicate mindfully and responsibly when discussing divorce or related family issues with the children you love.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind’s free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
Children who experience their parents divorce are helpless to change the circumstances. But they often try. They want to do something to “fix” the situation, but they haven’t a clue how.
Sometimes they create solutions that make sense in their young minds, but actually cause greater complications. That’s why it‘s so important for parents to take the emotional burden off of the shoulders of their children. Reassure them that Mom and Dad are still their parents and will continue to be there for them with compassion and love. Tell them they need not worry … and remind them that none of this is in any way their fault or responsibility.
Children can be very resourceful in how they behave when they sense either one of their parents is vulnerable or hurting. Often they will side with one parent over the other as a means of support. They may fear that expressing happiness about time spent with one parent can seem like a betrayal of the other. They worry about hurting the feelings of the emotionally weaker parent – or experiencing the disapproval of the emotionally stronger parent. Either way, it’s a lose/lose situation for the child who feels caught in the middle.
Parents are not always aware of how children interpret their comments or emotional displays. If a parent confides to a child that they are very lonely when he or she is with their other parent, it frequently creates a need to “protect” the sad parent. So the child may elaborate on the truth by telling you what they think you want to hear. “I miss you too. I wish I could always be with you. If I didn’t have to stay with Mom/Dad I’d never be there.”
These small white lies can grow into larger stories – even outrageous lies – with the intent of protecting one or both parents. It can also become a vehicle for pitting both parents against one another. Children easily sense when they can manipulate their circumstances – and their emotionally vulnerable parents. This becomes even easier and more tempting when the parents are not speaking to one another or co-parenting cooperatively. The result can be devastating for everyone in the family – each pointing the finger at the other in blame.
When parents are too caught up in their own self-righteous dramas to put their children’s needs first, those children have little recourse but to start parenting themselves. The consequences for the children can take many directions: a sense of mistrust of adults, guilt about knowing they are exploiting their circumstances and deep insecurity because their world is no longer safely guided by parental boundaries. The responsibility here must always fall upon the parents – not the innocent children who are trying to cope with an adult-made situation beyond their control.
Communication is the key to avoiding these complex backward parenting situations. Talk to your children about divorce-related issues as a parent, not a confident. Remember that your former spouse is also a parent that your children love. If your communication with that parent is poor or limited, you are setting your children up for compensating in any way they can – with guilt, frustration, confusion, shame, anger – even revenge -- as the motive.
When you accept responsibility for creating a Child-Centered Divorce and co-parent in the best way for your children’s well-being, they will feel more secure, stable, loved, protected and supported. That gives them permission to continue being children without bearing the burden of having to parent their parents after divorce.
Do you want your divorce to rob your children of their right to enjoy their childhood? Of course not! Then understand the serious consequences of backward parenting and communicate mindfully and responsibly when discussing divorce or related family issues with the children you love.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For more information about the book, Rosalind’s free articles and free ezine visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Marriage, Divorce and the Economy: No Excuse for Irresponsible Parenting
Is our down-turned economy having an effect on divorce around the world? While it’s too early for statistical evidence, reports from marriage counselors and divorce attorneys across the globe are in agreement. They’re finding many couples who were ready to call it quits are post- posting the divorce decision due to financial reasons. In the U.S., with housing values at near-record lows, wide-ranging cuts in salaries and a dramatic rise in unemployment rates, many couples are just not divorcing because they are afraid they can’t afford it.
Does this mean couples are finding new ways to get along and reconsider their marriages? In some cases, yes, but for many it just means adapting to continued states of unhappiness and coping with disappointment and frustration. This, of course, does not bear well for the children of these unions. They experience the negative consequences of a distressed marriage whether the couple splits up or chooses to stay together because of economic factors.
Too many couples are financially dependent on one another to make a break, but at the same time they have lost their emotional interdependence which helps a couple thrive during outside challenges. Without the affection and emotional connection, these couples are basically roommates sharing a home and living expenses.
The problem is that they are also parents of children who may be even more confused than ever about life at home. Mom and Dad are still married and together – but are they? This is a big concern for therapists, school guidance counselors, clergy and others who understand children’s emotional and psychological needs during times of high stress.
In the past it was common for divorce rates to spike during times of financial insecurity. Back in the recession of 1997 the divorce rate rose close to 20%. However, economists note that during real tough times, such as the Great Depression in the early 1930s, divorce rates do decline because people can’t afford the luxury of splitting into two separate homes.
There are no clear resolutions for today’s economic crisis or for parents caught up in the whirlwind around the divorce decision. However, staying together in a marriage that continues in “form” only can be a damaging situation for the children. That’s because those marriages often fail to focus on the emotional safety and security factors that children need in order to thrive, feel self- confident and express themselves.
Parents -- whatever you do, stop and ask yourself some fundamental questions before moving ahead whether in – or out – of the marriage:
· Despite economic stress are we taking the time to give our children the loving attention they deserve?
· Are we as parents providing a loving environment for our children – whether we share the same residence or two separate abodes?
· Are we providing the nurturing, values and personal time we want to instill in our children despite our own challenges as adults?
· Are we creating family time rituals with one or both parents so our children feel that we still are a “family” regardless of the form it takes?
· Should we be seeking outside professional help to make sure our children are feeling safe, secure, loved and peaceful in their home environment(s)?
· Are we being honest with our children about our circumstances without confiding adult details to them that would be confusing and burdensome for them at their age?
· Are we restraining from arguing, badmouthing each other, creating tension, bitterness, sarcasm or other negativity when the children are present?
· Are we reminding our children how much we love them and will continue to love them regardless of changes in where and how we live?
How you answer these questions will determine the quality of life your children experience – whether they are residing in one residence or two. Always remember, you are parents first – and a couple struggling with marital or divorce issues second. Isn’t that the way it should be?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca’s Child-Centered Divorce Network provides numerous free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources for parents at www.childcentereddivorce.com, Her new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is also available at www.howdoitellthekids.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
Does this mean couples are finding new ways to get along and reconsider their marriages? In some cases, yes, but for many it just means adapting to continued states of unhappiness and coping with disappointment and frustration. This, of course, does not bear well for the children of these unions. They experience the negative consequences of a distressed marriage whether the couple splits up or chooses to stay together because of economic factors.
Too many couples are financially dependent on one another to make a break, but at the same time they have lost their emotional interdependence which helps a couple thrive during outside challenges. Without the affection and emotional connection, these couples are basically roommates sharing a home and living expenses.
The problem is that they are also parents of children who may be even more confused than ever about life at home. Mom and Dad are still married and together – but are they? This is a big concern for therapists, school guidance counselors, clergy and others who understand children’s emotional and psychological needs during times of high stress.
In the past it was common for divorce rates to spike during times of financial insecurity. Back in the recession of 1997 the divorce rate rose close to 20%. However, economists note that during real tough times, such as the Great Depression in the early 1930s, divorce rates do decline because people can’t afford the luxury of splitting into two separate homes.
There are no clear resolutions for today’s economic crisis or for parents caught up in the whirlwind around the divorce decision. However, staying together in a marriage that continues in “form” only can be a damaging situation for the children. That’s because those marriages often fail to focus on the emotional safety and security factors that children need in order to thrive, feel self- confident and express themselves.
Parents -- whatever you do, stop and ask yourself some fundamental questions before moving ahead whether in – or out – of the marriage:
· Despite economic stress are we taking the time to give our children the loving attention they deserve?
· Are we as parents providing a loving environment for our children – whether we share the same residence or two separate abodes?
· Are we providing the nurturing, values and personal time we want to instill in our children despite our own challenges as adults?
· Are we creating family time rituals with one or both parents so our children feel that we still are a “family” regardless of the form it takes?
· Should we be seeking outside professional help to make sure our children are feeling safe, secure, loved and peaceful in their home environment(s)?
· Are we being honest with our children about our circumstances without confiding adult details to them that would be confusing and burdensome for them at their age?
· Are we restraining from arguing, badmouthing each other, creating tension, bitterness, sarcasm or other negativity when the children are present?
· Are we reminding our children how much we love them and will continue to love them regardless of changes in where and how we live?
How you answer these questions will determine the quality of life your children experience – whether they are residing in one residence or two. Always remember, you are parents first – and a couple struggling with marital or divorce issues second. Isn’t that the way it should be?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca’s Child-Centered Divorce Network provides numerous free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources for parents at www.childcentereddivorce.com, Her new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is also available at www.howdoitellthekids.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
