By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
We all do it from time to time. Make a sarcastic comment about our ex, criticize something they did or didn’t do, gesture or grimace our faces when referring to our former spouse. When we do it in front of, near or within hearing distance of our children, we set ourselves up for a hornet’s nest of problems.
We have all heard this, but it’s easy to forget or let slide. It hurts our children when they hear one of their parents put down the other. This is so even if your child does not say anything about it. With rare exceptions, children innately feel they are part of both parents. They love them both even when that love isn’t returned to them in the same way.
When you put down their other parent your children are likely to interpret it as a put-down of part of them. When both parents are guilty of this behavior, it can create a sense of unworthiness and low self-esteem. “Something’s wrong with me” becomes the child’s unconscious belief.
I know it’s challenging some times not to criticize your ex, especially when you feel totally justified in doing so. Find a friend or therapist to vent to. Don’t do it around your children. And, whenever possible, find some good things to say about their other parent – or hold your tongue.
The lesson here is simple. Destructive comments about your ex can impact your children in many negative ways. It creates anxiety and insecurity. It raises their level of fear. It makes them question how much they can trust you and your opinions – or trust themselves. And it adds a level of unhappiness into their lives that they do not need … or deserve!
When you have a problem with your ex, take it directly to them – and not to or through the children. Don’t exploit a difficult relationship, or difference of opinion with your ex, by editorializing about him or her to the kids. It’s easy to slip – especially when your frustration level is mounting.
Listen to and monitor your comments to the children about their other parent.
· Are you hearing yourself say: “Sounds like you picked that up from your Dad/Mom.”
· Do you make a negative retort about their behavior and end it with “just like your father/mother.”
· Do you frequently compare your ex with other divorced parents you know making sure the kids get the negative judgment?
· Do you counter every positive comment your child makes about your ex with, “Yeah, but …” and finish it with a downer?
· Do you make your children feel guilty for having had fun visiting the other parent or liking something in their home?
· Do you throw around biting statements like “If Mom/Dad really loved you …”
· Do you try to frighten or intimidate your kids during a disagreement by saying “If you don’t like it here, then go live with your Mom/Dad?
It’s easy to fall into these behavior patterns – and they can effectively manipulate your children’s behavior – for the short-term. But in the long run you will be slowly eroding your personal relationship with the children you love and alienating their affection. This will bite you back in the years to come, especially as your children move into and through their teens.
As a parent you want to raise children with a healthy sense of self-worth. You want children who are trusting and trust-worthy ,,, who are open to creating loving relationships in their lives. It’s not divorce per se that emotionally scars children. It’s how you, as a parent, model your behavior before, during and after your divorce. If you model maturity, dignity and integrity whenever challenges occur, that’s what your children will see and the path they will take in their own relationships. You can’t make life choices for them, but you sure can influence their choices and perceptions about the world when they are young and vulnerable!
Minding your tongue around your children can be one of the most difficult behaviors to master after a divorce. It is also one of the behaviors that will reap the greatest rewards in the well-being of your family. Don’t let anger, bitterness and indiscriminate remarks affect and harm your children. Keep a “conscious” diligence on your commentary and your ex is more likely to follow suit, as well. If he or she doesn’t, your kids will naturally pick up on the different energy and gravitate toward the parent taking the high road. Ultimately that parent will win their respect and admiration. Shouldn’t that be you?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love!. For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009. All rights reserved.
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Monday, December 29, 2008
New Child-Centered Divorce Telephone Group
Just two spots remaining for
Rosalind Sedacca’s new 2009
Child-Centered Divorce Group Coaching Program
Response to my new Child-Centered Divorce Group Coaching Program has been amazing. I’m busily planning the two groups now and have some additional bonuses on tap for each of our participants!
However, there are only two spots remaining for Group 1: Creating the Child-Centered Divorce Experience, designed especially for those of you facing, moving through or recently divorced.
Group 2: Success Strategies for Maintaining a Child-Centered Divorce, will be slightly larger. At this point there are possibly three spots available for this post-divorce parenting group focused on those divorced for more than six months. Even if you’ve been divorced for six years you’ll find valuable information in this program that will benefit everyone in the family.
Rosalind Sedacca’s new 2009
Child-Centered Divorce Group Coaching Program
Response to my new Child-Centered Divorce Group Coaching Program has been amazing. I’m busily planning the two groups now and have some additional bonuses on tap for each of our participants!
However, there are only two spots remaining for Group 1: Creating the Child-Centered Divorce Experience, designed especially for those of you facing, moving through or recently divorced.
Group 2: Success Strategies for Maintaining a Child-Centered Divorce, will be slightly larger. At this point there are possibly three spots available for this post-divorce parenting group focused on those divorced for more than six months. Even if you’ve been divorced for six years you’ll find valuable information in this program that will benefit everyone in the family.
Here’s how it will work:
· Each group will meet every other week for three months, via teleconference, for one hour, to discuss key principles and strategies that will help you emotionally as well as physically get through your days with a better attitude, more ease and enhanced communication skills (to use with both the children and your former spouse.)
· In every session we will explore a new topic to help you move through challenges to a place of confidence and empowerment when dealing with personal and family issues.
· BONUS: I have also planned an additional call with a special Monthly Guest Expert who will share their expertise on topics of crucial importance to you and answer your questions.
· All calls will be recorded so if you miss any sessions you will be able to listen at your convenience – or review a call whenever you choose.
· Each participant will have access to a Child-Centered Divorce Forum where you can share experiences, support and insights.
· All materials are included in the program.
· The low cost is only $50 per month!
My goal is to support you in taking positive steps toward experiencing a Child-Centered Divorce that will enhance your life and tangibly benefit you and your children!
Working together as a group -- sharing experiences, emotions, challenges and successes – will help motivate you to take bold steps in creating positive change!
If you’re ready to maximize your post-divorce parenting experience,
I invite you to join me in this valuable new program!
For details about dates and time, send me an email
with your time-zone, Group preference and preferred day of the week
to:
Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com
For details about dates and time, send me an email
with your time-zone, Group preference and preferred day of the week
to:
Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Author Rosalind Sedacca wins 2008 Victorious Woman Award
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT was announced the first place inner of the 2008 Victorious Woman Award. The international competition was created by Annmarie Kelly, author of Victorious Woman! Shaping Life’s Challenges into Personal Victories. A panel of judges made the winning selections.
Sedacca is recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce and is the author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Her winning essay was taken from the first chapter of her book in which she shares her personal story about the trauma of telling her eleven year old son that she was divorcing his father.
Sedacca came up with an innovative approach that more than a decade later she turned into an interactive ebook. What makes the book unique is that she doesn’t just tell parents what to say. She says it for them! Sedacca uses fill-in-the-blank, age-appropriate templates to show parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to have the tough “break-the-news” conversation.
Therapists, attorneys, mediators and other professionals throughout the U.S. and other nations have endorsed the book, attesting to the value of her novel storybook concept. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well. Her purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples so they will stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that first crucial conversation with their children.
Sedacca, who has since remarried, is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network where parents can access her free articles, ezine, blog, as well as many valuable resources and services to help parents create a “child-centered divorce.”
“By preparing a storybook in advance, about your family with your family’s photos, parents give their children something to hold on to that reminds them that they are safe and loved. The storybook approach also eliminates the awkwardness of not knowing what to say,” Sedacca adds, “while you are confidently providing essential messages your children need to understand.”
Sedacca’s son, eleven at the time of the divorce, is now a veterinarian who recently got married. His moving Introduction to the book personally acknowledges the effectiveness of this unique approach to a tough conversation.
“One of the most gratifying moments in my life came when my son, as an adult, confided that he understood why his Dad and I divorced,” says Sedacca. “While he was very upset at the time, he said he could now see it was the right decision. He also thanked me for maintaining a positive interactive relationship with his Dad -- what I now refer to as a Child-Centered Divorce.”
Kelly is a speaker, trainer, founder and principal of SkillBuilder Systems. Her consulting company offers Victorious Woman Workshops, where she facilitates a process through which women learn how to choose and develop more satisfying and authentic lifestyles, beginning with awareness and progressing through actions that result in a victorious outcome.
“Many, many of us are more victorious than we, and the world, give us credit for being,” says Kelly who claims her own victories over early familial dysfunctions that included alcoholism and sibling abuse, teenage overweight that resulted in self-image issues and paralyzing shyness, as well as later financial devastation and emotional loss.
Kelly says the purpose of the Victorious Woman Award is to “support other women, fearful of the unknown, and encourage them to find the good that waits for them on the other side of surviving!” She can be contacted at www.victoriouswoman.com.
How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is available online as a downloadable ebook. It can also be purchased in CD format from attorneys, therapists and other professionals. To learn more visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Sedacca’s free ezine, articles, acclaimed blog, coaching services and resource pages can be found at: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Reach Sedacca at: Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.
Sedacca is recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce and is the author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Her winning essay was taken from the first chapter of her book in which she shares her personal story about the trauma of telling her eleven year old son that she was divorcing his father.
Sedacca came up with an innovative approach that more than a decade later she turned into an interactive ebook. What makes the book unique is that she doesn’t just tell parents what to say. She says it for them! Sedacca uses fill-in-the-blank, age-appropriate templates to show parents how to create a storybook sharing family photos and history as a successful way to have the tough “break-the-news” conversation.
Therapists, attorneys, mediators and other professionals throughout the U.S. and other nations have endorsed the book, attesting to the value of her novel storybook concept. Six therapists contribute their expertise to the book, as well. Her purpose is to raise the consciousness of divorcing couples so they will stop, talk and create a caring plan of action before having that first crucial conversation with their children.
Sedacca, who has since remarried, is also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network where parents can access her free articles, ezine, blog, as well as many valuable resources and services to help parents create a “child-centered divorce.”
“By preparing a storybook in advance, about your family with your family’s photos, parents give their children something to hold on to that reminds them that they are safe and loved. The storybook approach also eliminates the awkwardness of not knowing what to say,” Sedacca adds, “while you are confidently providing essential messages your children need to understand.”
Sedacca’s son, eleven at the time of the divorce, is now a veterinarian who recently got married. His moving Introduction to the book personally acknowledges the effectiveness of this unique approach to a tough conversation.
“One of the most gratifying moments in my life came when my son, as an adult, confided that he understood why his Dad and I divorced,” says Sedacca. “While he was very upset at the time, he said he could now see it was the right decision. He also thanked me for maintaining a positive interactive relationship with his Dad -- what I now refer to as a Child-Centered Divorce.”
Kelly is a speaker, trainer, founder and principal of SkillBuilder Systems. Her consulting company offers Victorious Woman Workshops, where she facilitates a process through which women learn how to choose and develop more satisfying and authentic lifestyles, beginning with awareness and progressing through actions that result in a victorious outcome.
“Many, many of us are more victorious than we, and the world, give us credit for being,” says Kelly who claims her own victories over early familial dysfunctions that included alcoholism and sibling abuse, teenage overweight that resulted in self-image issues and paralyzing shyness, as well as later financial devastation and emotional loss.
Kelly says the purpose of the Victorious Woman Award is to “support other women, fearful of the unknown, and encourage them to find the good that waits for them on the other side of surviving!” She can be contacted at www.victoriouswoman.com.
How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is available online as a downloadable ebook. It can also be purchased in CD format from attorneys, therapists and other professionals. To learn more visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. Sedacca’s free ezine, articles, acclaimed blog, coaching services and resource pages can be found at: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Reach Sedacca at: Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com.
Monday, October 20, 2008
Acknowledged as one of Best Resources for Divorced Parents and Separated Families
I am honored to announce that my blog at www.childcentereddivorce.com has been included, and listed in first place, in the just released Best Resources for Divorced Parents and Separated Families.
The list was compiled by Life Coach Vanessa Van Petten and her team. It is posted on her popular blog, OnTeensToday.com.
Click here to see:
http://www.onteenstoday.com/2008/10/20/best-resources-for-divorced-parents-and-separated-families/
My new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is also included in her Best Divorce Books listing.
I hope you will visit this site and spread the word to your colleagues and clients. All of these pre-screened resources certainly deserve our attention and support.
To check out my blog and website, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
http://www.onteenstoday.com/2008/10/20/best-resources-for-divorced-parents-and-separated-families/
Best regards,
Rosalind
The list was compiled by Life Coach Vanessa Van Petten and her team. It is posted on her popular blog, OnTeensToday.com.
Click here to see:
http://www.onteenstoday.com/2008/10/20/best-resources-for-divorced-parents-and-separated-families/
My new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is also included in her Best Divorce Books listing.
I hope you will visit this site and spread the word to your colleagues and clients. All of these pre-screened resources certainly deserve our attention and support.
To check out my blog and website, visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
http://www.onteenstoday.com/2008/10/20/best-resources-for-divorced-parents-and-separated-families/
Best regards,
Rosalind
Sunday, September 28, 2008
5 Must-Tell Messages to Prepare the Kids for Your Divorce
by Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
One of the most difficult conversations I ever had was telling my son about my pending divorce. I struggled with the anxiety of guilt, shame, fear and dread for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY?
Thankfully I found a plan. I came up with a storybook that told my son, in words and pictures, the story of how his father and I met, married and started a family. It explained problems we encountered and the decision we ultimately made to get a divorce.
In my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love!, I provide a fill-in-the-blanks template that other parents can use to prepare their children for the many changes ahead. It also focuses on five key messages that are essential for every child to hear and understand. By sharing these points with your children you will enable them to better handle, accept and even embrace the challenges and changes they will soon be facing:
1) This is not your fault.
2) Mom and Dad will always be your parents.
3) This is about change, not about blame.
4) Things will work out okay.
5) Mom and Dad will always love you.
These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words. You’ll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A fill-in-the-blanks storybook that prepares your children -- with love. Contact Rosalind at roz@rosalindsedacca.com. For free articles and her ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com .
One of the most difficult conversations I ever had was telling my son about my pending divorce. I struggled with the anxiety of guilt, shame, fear and dread for weeks in advance. When should I tell him? How should I tell him? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY?
Thankfully I found a plan. I came up with a storybook that told my son, in words and pictures, the story of how his father and I met, married and started a family. It explained problems we encountered and the decision we ultimately made to get a divorce.
In my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children – with Love!, I provide a fill-in-the-blanks template that other parents can use to prepare their children for the many changes ahead. It also focuses on five key messages that are essential for every child to hear and understand. By sharing these points with your children you will enable them to better handle, accept and even embrace the challenges and changes they will soon be facing:
1) This is not your fault.
2) Mom and Dad will always be your parents.
3) This is about change, not about blame.
4) Things will work out okay.
5) Mom and Dad will always love you.
These core messages are the foundation your children will depend on when they are feeling frightened, sad or insecure. Repeat them often in your own words. You’ll be rewarded in countless ways as you and your children encounter and overcome the challenges of life after divorce.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of the new book, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A fill-in-the-blanks storybook that prepares your children -- with love. Contact Rosalind at roz@rosalindsedacca.com. For free articles and her ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com .
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Back to School for Children Means Time for Divorced Parents to Communicate
Guest Author: Cindy Harari, Esq.
Beginning the school year can be stressful as the lazy days of summer give way to a more rigorous schedule. The hectic pace of school, extracurricular activities and parental work schedules is especially challenging for divorced families where children shuttle between two homes. Many children have had the unfortunate experience of being at one parent’s home and needing something that is at the other parent’s home. These situations create stress for everyone involved, and now is the perfect time for divorced parents to think about how to avoid them.
The most basic tool for parents is the calendar. In addition to the academic schedule, each parent needs to calendar extracurricular activities for each child. It is the responsibility of each parent to keep track of each child’s activities including times, dates, locations, transportation, and equipment.
Ongoing access to information is important, but do not use your child as a messenger. Parents should be on an e-mail list and/or mailing list for every activity that each child is involved in. Parents need to be proactive regarding their responsibilities, and allow children the freedom to flourish during their childhood.
What if your child receives an invitation to a birthday party or a notice of a school trip? Make sure your child’s other parent knows about it by calling, sending a fax or e-mail. Does the event conflict with prior plans? Consider the value of flexibility and the best interest of your child.
Sometimes, the Marital Settlement Agreement (also known as the Divorce Agreement) includes a comprehensive parenting plan. Often, however, divorced parents must work out parenting issues that are not specifically settled in their Agreement. Communication is critical, especially between divorced parents. Now is the time to make sure the lines of communication are open, to make a fresh start for the school year.
Cindy Harari is an attorney with a non-traditional approach that empowers clients to create a peaceful divorce and co-parenting relationship.Licensed to practice law in New York and Florida, she is trained mediator, arbitrator, coach, and parenting coordinator and an expert in problem-solving and alternative dispute resolution. Cindy educates clients about the complex issues involved with divorce, parenting and family law. She coaches her clients to develop the unique communication skills and problem-solving techniques necessary to create a peaceful divorce. She can be reached at cindyharari@aol.com
Monday, August 11, 2008
FreeTele-seminar on Post-Divorce Dating
Join me for a FREE Tele-seminar with a special guest author on
Wednesday, August 13th at 9 pm EST (6 pm PT)
The topic will be: Divorced with Children? How to Get Back Out There into the Dating World!
If you are divorced with children, you have much to consider before getting back into dating. Come hear me interview Amy Schoen, a dating-relationship life coach who will share valuable insights about post-divorce dating.
Learn about the best places to meet people who are kid-friendly ... pitfalls to avoid ... success strategies that really work.
Whether you are contemplating dating or have already started dating, you will be enlightened and motivated by the wisdom Amy shares.
After the interview, we will have time for a few questions. Please email your questions directly to Amy at coachamy@heartmindconnection.com.
Amy Schoen is a certified professional life coach and a dating and relationship expert who coaches s.ingles to attract the right relationship into their lives and couples to create the relationships of their dreams.
She speaks professionally to adult learning classes, organizations and social groups. Amy is the author of "Get It Right This Time: How to Find and Keep Your Ideal Romantic Relationship and "Motivated to Marry: Now There's a Better Method to Dating and Relationships." She has been featured in the Washington Post newspaper, the Washington Examiner, as well as, interviewed on TV, radio and online magazines. Learn more about Amy's coaching and helpful tips at www.HeartmindConnection.com.
When you sign up for the tele-seminar, you will receive the quiz, "Are You Ready for the Right One?" excerpted from Amy’s book, "Get It Right This Time: How to Find and Keep Your Ideal Romantic Relationship."
Sign up at www.heartmindconnection.com/teleseminar-aug08.html for the F.REE tele-seminar on Wednesday, August 13th at 9 pm EST.
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