During divorce proceedings parenting plans or contact schedules are usually established to create a semblance of routine in this new chapter of family life. I am a strong believer in co-parenting whenever possible to serve the best interest of your children. But it’s the reality of post-divorce daily life that puts everyone to the test.
Here are 4 ways to ease the process for everyone involved.
1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-homes transition will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Also allow your children time to adjust to the “new” home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another “routine.”
2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details in front of your children. Have a calendar or other device available some you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Create a system for creating and confirming schedule data -- and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you’re both alone at another time.
3. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent’s house. They fear you’ll feel lonely or abandoned. It’s important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some “alone” time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!
4. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent -- and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can’t invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them – and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?
If you keep these points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities – sharing time with your children – a smooth and pleasant reality. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning. So why choose any other plan?
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Showing posts with label effects of divorce on children. Show all posts
Showing posts with label effects of divorce on children. Show all posts
Thursday, September 3, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
New Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills
A first-of-its-kind national poll to determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].
Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
Results:
Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people’s lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own” and “not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."
Methodology
During May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center]™ websites. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com, WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women, Kalon Women, and sent to more than 30 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children
The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization.
So what does this poll mean for those who provide services to divorcing couples? How can we help ease the emotional turmoil especially when children are involved? These are some of the questions we hope to discuss through interviews and the free teleseminar series taking place during National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July.
We encourage parent participation, media contact, questions and exploration of new alternatives available especially for parents as they move through the divorce maze.
To learn more about National Child-Centered Divorce Month contact Rosalind Sedacca at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
Results:
Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people’s lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own” and “not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."
Methodology
During May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center]™ websites. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com, WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women, Kalon Women, and sent to more than 30 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children
The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization.
So what does this poll mean for those who provide services to divorcing couples? How can we help ease the emotional turmoil especially when children are involved? These are some of the questions we hope to discuss through interviews and the free teleseminar series taking place during National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July.
We encourage parent participation, media contact, questions and exploration of new alternatives available especially for parents as they move through the divorce maze.
To learn more about National Child-Centered Divorce Month contact Rosalind Sedacca at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
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