New Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills

A first-of-its-kind national poll to determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].

Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.

1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?

Results:

Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).

The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people’s lives.

Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:

• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.

While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own” and “not growing old with my husband."

While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."

Methodology

During May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center]™ websites. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com, WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women, Kalon Women, and sent to more than 30 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.

About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children

The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization.

So what does this poll mean for those who provide services to divorcing couples? How can we help ease the emotional turmoil especially when children are involved? These are some of the questions we hope to discuss through interviews and the free teleseminar series taking place during National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July.

We encourage parent participation, media contact, questions and exploration of new alternatives available especially for parents as they move through the divorce maze.

To learn more about National Child-Centered Divorce Month contact Rosalind Sedacca at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Professional Divorce Community Planning 3rd Annual National Child-Centered Divorce Month

National Child-Centered Divorce Month
bringing attention to children’s needs
when parents divorce or separate

The third annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month will take place in July throughout the United States. The month is dedicated to alerting parents about the consequences their behaviors and decisions have upon their children during and after a divorce. Professionals who share these concerns, including therapists, attorneys, mediators, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and others, will be joining forces to share their insights about one key message all divorcing parents need to understand: Regardless of your own emotional state, it is essential to put your children's needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation.

National Child-Centered Divorce Month was initiated by author Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, a certified corporate trainer recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. Sedacca has created a Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents and works closely with a broad group of therapists, attorneys, mediators, divorce coaches, educators, financial planners and other professionals. All are focused on providing ways to create the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.

“I am passionate about enlisting the nation’s legal, therapeutic and educational communities to bring a heightened awareness to parents about their responsibility to their children’s well-being before, during and after divorce,” says Sedacca, who is the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! “We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect their children – for years – and often for a lifetime.”

Professionals around the nation will be announcing free teleseminars, workshops, discussion groups, coaching and other activities of an educational and motivational nature for divorced parents and those contemplating divorce.

Parents and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can get involved through a number of resources that will be participating and posting relevant information and press releases. These include:

• www.childcentereddivorce.com
• www.childcentereddivorce.blogspot.com
• www.childsharing.com
• www.peacefuldivorce.ning.com
• www.divorceaxis.com
• www.changecoachshelley.com

The goal, according to Sedacca, is to unite and then spread the word that “when parents divorce, their children need them more than ever. Don't let them down.”

For more information about Child-Centered Divorce Month in July contact Rosalind directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit her website at: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com where she provides free articles, her blog, free ezine and many useful resources for parents transitioning through divorce and beyond. Scroll to the bottom of the Home page for updates.

Participation in Natl Child-Centered Divorce Month in July

I've been working hard regarding plans for launching the 3rd annual National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July. I value your feedback, suggestions and media connections.

We want to send press releases, schedule telesemianrs and workshops, write articles, do interviews and create as much attention as possible in the next two months focusing on issues related to divorce and parenting.

What changes would we like to see in the legal system?

How can divorce professionals work together to make positive changes?

What can we ask divorced parents to do differently and better on behalf of their children?

How can we enlist the help of the media in spreading the word about issues that need to be addressed?

How can educators, therapists and the clergy team with us on behalf of divorced children?

Do you have other questions or ideas? Now's the time to start the dialogue!

I look forward to hearing from you all!

Let's not waste this opportunity to get our voices heard in every municipality throughout the US -- and beyond.

Many thanks,
Rosalind

4 Divorce Don'ts When Telling Your Kids!

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Preparing to break the news to your kids that you’re divorcing their other parent? Feeling insecure about how to broach the subject? Wondering how much to share? How your children will react? How to handle their questions? How to deal with your special circumstances? What the experts suggest?

Well you’re not alone.

Talking about divorce to your children is tough. You don’t want to make mistakes you will regret.

There are many common mistakes parents make at this time. Learn four of the most important ones so you can avoid them.

* Pressuring children to make choices. Most kids feel torn when asked to choose between their parents. Don’t put them in that position.

* Neglecting to tell your kids that they are not at fault. Don’t assume your children understand that they are victims in your divorce. Remind them frequently that they bare no blame in any way related to your divorce – even and especially if you are fighting with their other parent about them.

* Sharing information only adults should be aware of. Parents often do this to bond with their children or try to win them over. It creates a burden that children shouldn’t have to bare. Talk to adults about adult issues.

* Using your children as spies. Don’t ask and expect your kids to tell you secrets about their other parent’s life and home. It makes them feel uncomfortable and puts enormous pressure on them. They’ll resent you for it.

Fortunately you can reach out to many different professionals to help you if you’re not positive about how best to approach your children. Speak to a divorce mediator or see a therapist who specializes in this subject. Find an attorney who practices Collaborative Law which will result in more positive, cooperative outcomes. Seek the advice of parenting coaches, school counselors, clergy and other professionals. Don’t forget the many valuable books and articles on this topic.

Whatever you do, prepare yourself in advance when talking to your children. Be aware of the impact of your words on their innocent psyches. Avoid the mistakes we have discussed. Think before you leap and give your family a sound foundation on which to face the changes ahead with security, compassion and love.

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar
facilitator, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your
Children – with Love! To learn more about the ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, free ezine and other
valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Mother/Daughter Event for Teens Recommended

Hannah Montana Rules the Box Office

Can Moms Compete with Her Hollywood Influence on Their Daughters?


There are so many competing influences that affect young girls during their formative years. As the teen and tween years approach, it’s easy for moms to feel that their daughters are more likely to listen to their friends at school and Hollywood celebrities. Can mothers compete with the Hannah Montanas and iCarlys of the world?

Karen Nowicki knows that daughters want to hear from their moms more than anyone else. Nowicki is the founder of a unique mother-daughter sleepover event that renews the bond between mothers and their 9- to 13-year-old daughters. This transformative 2-day activity strengthens their relationship through the difficult tween and teen years. It provides an opportunity for mothers to build their daughters’ self confidence during the most influential time of their lives. The scheduled workshops and activities help create memories that mothers and daughters will cherish forever.

At her one-of-a-kind event, Nowicki teaches mothers and daughters:

Why daughters really do want to listen to their moms.
How mothers can have a stronger influence than the media.
That girls are perfect exactly as they are.
How to build a strong bond of mutual trust.
Why laughing together is so important to their relationship.

This event is Friday, May 22nd at 6 p.m. to Saturday, May 23rd at 4 p.m. at the beautiful Dobson Ranch Inn in Mesa, AZ. The event includes meals and a private hotel room for each mother-daughter pair. Early-bird registration is only $350.


CREDENTIALS: Karen Nowicki is a successful author, life coach, and the mother of two tweens. Her children’s book, Maddie Moonbeam’s Garden, is an inspirational tribute to each person’s journey toward learning to love themselves. She is a regular contributor to the Root & Sprout Magazine. Before opening her own coaching business, Nowicki was a teacher and assistant principal for the Kyrene School District. She was also the VP of Schools for Pinnacle Education, Inc. Karen’s media experience includes several radio interviews and an 8 min. segment on The Author’s Show.

CONTACT: Karen Nowicki, (480) 818-0206 (AZ); karennowicki@cox.net; www.motherdaughterweekend.com

Post-Divorce Dads and Step-Dads: Doing It Right

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Being a divorced Dad can be one of the most frustrating experiences any parent will ever face. For many it seems like a can’t-win situation. You find that you’re constantly trying to prove yourself – to your ex, to the children, and often to a Step-Dad who has moved into the picture.

If Mom has custody of the children, it’s more than likely that your children are seeing more of step-Dad than you. That can feel very disempowering and bring up all sorts of issues – not to mention jealousy. While it’s understandable for any Dad to feel that way, it is also wise to get a handle on that jealousy … for the sake of your children.

Think about it this way. When it comes to those children, both you and Step-Dad share a common interest, their well-being. For that reason finding a way to get along with Step-Dad, and show him some respect for his efforts on their behalf, can positively impact everyone in the family dynamic, especially your children. They don’t want to see you angry, fighting, or putting down Mom or Step-Dad. The emotional upheaval this creates for your children complicates their lives, filling them with guilt, confusion and a lack of confidence when it comes to trusting new relationships.

Tom Wohlmut, President of Stepfamily Network, says “Men tend to be very competitive and territorial. But, when they’re parenting the same child, they need to think about being on the same football team, not opposing teams.” A supportive father will therefore help his children to not feel guilty for liking or supporting Step-Dad as he interacts in their lives.

In fact, says Wohlmut, you might want to ask yourself, “What is the one thing I can do to acknowledge the male father figure? Children need to understand there is only one Dad and one Mom and that will never, ever change. But, that doesn’t mean the other male in their life doesn’t have good qualities they can benefit from.”

This, of course, is equally relevant if a new Step-Mom enters the picture on your side. The goal is to do whatever you can to keep your children from feeling conflicted or disloyal if they get along with their Step-Parents and find many of their qualities or areas of expertise to be appealing.

Children have a huge capacity to love as well as to learn from many influences in their lives. Don’t force them to depend exclusively on you, especially if you’re needing it as an ego boost. The real challenge is to continue to build, keep and maintain your relationship with your children – despite time intervals and distance – because of your love for them. You are fortunate when Step-Dad is a complementary figure in their lives who sincerely cares for them and strives to do his best.

No one ever said being a divorced Dad was easy. There are no guarantees regarding who a new Step-Dad will be either. But when you keep your perspective clearly focused on your children’s emotional and psychological well-being, you’ll be steered in the right direction for yourself and your children. And that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates for customizing a personal family storybook that guides children through this difficult transition with optimum results. For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Children of Divorce Need Family Photos

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

I read a poignant comment on a blog recently written by a married mother of three. She was a child of divorce whose father moved out of the home when she was four. She talks about having very few pictures of herself as a child and only one of her mother and father together. Her grandfather found and gave her the photo just a few years ago. She framed it and has proudly displayed it in her home for her own children to see.

She explains how special that one photo of her with Mom and Dad is to her. It shows a little girl sitting happily on a lawn with her “real” family – before the divorce.

This woman grieves that she has no other photographs of her father and so few pictures of her childhood. She assumes that her mother hid or destroyed all other photos, “possibly to protect my stepparents’ feelings” as she moved on into other chapters in her life.

She goes on to send a message to all divorced parents who are transitioning into blended families. She stresses the importance of keeping previous family photographs to give to your children at the appropriate time – and not throwing them away. She implores people who are marrying men or women with children to “be the grownup” and acknowledge that children of divorce have other relationships that are meaningful and important to them.

Having pictures, gifts and other reminders of the non-custodial parent is very important to your children. We must never forget the connection and allegiance children innately feel toward both of their parents. When one parent is dismissed, put down or disrespected by the other parent, a part of your child is hurt as a result. They also feel that a part of themselves is flawed which creates much internal confusion.

Allow your children to keep their connection with their other parent – and with their past, unless they choose otherwise. If you’re a step-parent, don’t try to replace the birth Mom or Dad. There is room in a child’s heart to embrace and love you, as well, if you earn their trust and respect. You can’t demand or force it.

The woman’s blog post ends by asking us to imagine how we would feel if someone came into our family and discarded all the photos of Mom and Dad together. If we could just put ourselves into our children’s shoes on a regular basis we would avoid so many errors in parenting, and so many psychological scars.

This woman speaks for millions of children of divorce and her message needs to be heard. It’s also another validation for the concept of creating a family storybook when telling your children about the divorce. Showing the kids photos of the family together, during happier times in the past, reminds them that life moves in cycles and there will be good times ahead. It also shows them that they came from love and that love still exists for them – even if Mom and Dad are no longer living together.

I was particularly interested in this article because my new book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! is based on family photos, as well. The book provides fill-in-the-blank templates that guide parents in creating a valuable storybook using family photos and history. This becomes a great resource tool that puts parents in the right mind-set to break-the-news and move ahead with decisions in the best interest of their children. Even if you're long past the actual divorce, looking through family photo albums can spark conversation and sincere communication between you and your children.

Yes, it might bring up some tears and sadness, but talking about those feelings can be healing for everyone. You can also start new photo albums sharing happy times in the present so you can look back upon this chapter in your lives with smiles in the months and years to come. Isn't this what you want for your family?

* * *

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is a Certified Corporate Trainer, relationship seminar facilitator and author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, an ezine and other valuable resources about Child-Centered Divorce visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. To order her new ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com.
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