By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Divorce doesn’t end your co-parenting relationship with your former spouse. It only changes some of the form. It is still essential to create a working relationship focused on the optimum care and concern for your children. Every co-parenting relationship will be unique, affected by your post-divorce family dynamics. However, there are guidelines that will enhance the results for children in any family. Here are some crucial points to keep in mind to maximize your co-parenting success.
Respect your co-parent’s boundaries:
Chances are your former spouse has a different parenting style than you, with some conflicting rules. Rather than stress yourself about these differences, learn to accept that life is never consistent and it may actually be beneficial for your kids to experience other ways of doing things. Step back from micro-managing your co-parent’s life. If the kids aren’t in harm’s way, let go and focus on only the most serious issues before you take a stand.
Create routine co-parent check-ins:
The more co-parents communicate with one another about the children, the less likely for small issues to grow into major problems. Select days/times for phone, email or in-person visits. Discuss in advance visitation transfer agreements. List who’s responsible for what each day, week or month. Food, homework, curfews, health issues, allowances, school transportation, sport activities, play dates, holiday plans and more should be clearly agreed upon, when possible – or scheduled for further discussion. Once you have a clear parenting plan structured – follow it to the best of your ability. But allow for last-minute changes and special “favors” to facilitate cooperation.
Encourage your child’s co-parent relationship:
Regardless of your personal feelings about your ex, your children need a healthy connection with their other parent. Keep snide comments to yourself and don’t discuss your parenting frustrations with your children. Encourage your kids to maintain a caring, respectful relationship with their other parent. Remind them about Mom or Dad’s birthday and holiday gifts. Make time in the weekly schedule for phone calls, cards, email and letters to keep the children’s connection alive when your co-parent is at a distance. Your children will thank you when they grow up.
Be compassionate with your in-laws:
Remember that a Grandparent’s love doesn’t stop after divorce. If your children had a healthy bond with your former spouse’s extended family, don’t punish them by severing that connection. Children thrive on family attachments, holiday get-togethers and traditions they’ve come to love. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can be a great source of comfort to children during stressful times and a sense of continuity with the past. Dissolving those relationships is hurtful to both your children and the other family. Think long and hard before making such an emotionally damaging decision.
Above all, be flexible. When you allow calls from your co-parent when the kids are in your home, they will be more receptive to your calls when the tables are turned. Remember, you are still a parenting team working on behalf of your children. That commonality should enable you to overlook the thorns in your co-parenting relationship and focus on the flowering buds that are the children you are raising.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Her free articles, ezine, blog, coaching, teleseminars and other valuable resources for parents facing, moving through or transitioning after divorce can be found at: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Telling the kids about your divorce? Avoid these mistakes!
Getting psyched up to tell your children about your pending divorce
-- or separation? Not sure what to say? When to say it? How to
say it? What to expect after the conversation? What to do next?
How do deal with your special circumstances? What therapists,
mediators, attorneys, clergy and other professionals suggest you do
and don't do to make things better all around? Well, you're not
alone.
Having the "divorce talk" with a child you love is one of the
toughest conversations you'll ever have. Shouldn't you be prepared?
Professionals all agree on some of the most common mistakes parents
make when bringing up divorce or separation. These include:
* asking children to bear the weight of making decisions or
choosing sides
* failing to remind children that none of this is in any way their
fault
* forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will still always be
their Mom and Dad -- even after divorce!
* confiding adult details to children in order to attract their
allegiance or sympathy
* neglecting to repeatedly remind children that they are safe,
innocent and very much loved
* failing to explain clearly that everything is going to be okay!
These are just some of the most common messages that parents fail
to convey because they're just not prepared -- and most probably
quite scared!
If you're about to tackle this tough conversation -- or you know
someone who is -- there's finally help you can depend on to
simplify the process. It’s an easy to read ebook titled, How Do I Tell the
Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide that
Prepares Your Children -- with Love! It provides an innovative
new concept I created, based on my own life experience. And, most
importantly, it works!
To learn more about this therapist-, attorney- and
mediator-endorsed guidebook for parents, click on the link below.
You'll get the whole story of how the easy-to-use template works,
how you and your children will benefit from this personalized family
storybook approach -- and much more. Most important of all, this
simple guidebook doesn't just tell you what to say -- it says it
for you! So you're sure to do it right, for the sake of your kids.
Visit here to learn more ...
http://www.howdoitellthekids.com
-- or separation? Not sure what to say? When to say it? How to
say it? What to expect after the conversation? What to do next?
How do deal with your special circumstances? What therapists,
mediators, attorneys, clergy and other professionals suggest you do
and don't do to make things better all around? Well, you're not
alone.
Having the "divorce talk" with a child you love is one of the
toughest conversations you'll ever have. Shouldn't you be prepared?
Professionals all agree on some of the most common mistakes parents
make when bringing up divorce or separation. These include:
* asking children to bear the weight of making decisions or
choosing sides
* failing to remind children that none of this is in any way their
fault
* forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will still always be
their Mom and Dad -- even after divorce!
* confiding adult details to children in order to attract their
allegiance or sympathy
* neglecting to repeatedly remind children that they are safe,
innocent and very much loved
* failing to explain clearly that everything is going to be okay!
These are just some of the most common messages that parents fail
to convey because they're just not prepared -- and most probably
quite scared!
If you're about to tackle this tough conversation -- or you know
someone who is -- there's finally help you can depend on to
simplify the process. It’s an easy to read ebook titled, How Do I Tell the
Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide that
Prepares Your Children -- with Love! It provides an innovative
new concept I created, based on my own life experience. And, most
importantly, it works!
To learn more about this therapist-, attorney- and
mediator-endorsed guidebook for parents, click on the link below.
You'll get the whole story of how the easy-to-use template works,
how you and your children will benefit from this personalized family
storybook approach -- and much more. Most important of all, this
simple guidebook doesn't just tell you what to say -- it says it
for you! So you're sure to do it right, for the sake of your kids.
Visit here to learn more ...
http://www.howdoitellthekids.com
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Moving On After Divorce Takes Acceptance & Awareness
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
What’s holding you back from moving on after your divorce? Are there constructive steps you can take to transition into the better life you desire and certainly deserve? Here are some important points to consider and take action on which will enable you to create a healthier, more gratifying new chapter in your life – for you and your children.
LEARN TO LET GO
If you truly want to move on from your divorce you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit – not on behalf of your former spouse.
Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that’s painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children – if not for yourself – decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It’s not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?
FORGIVENESS
The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.
Next take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.
You are cutting the emotional chords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don’t you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Cut the chord and be free!
MAKE TIME FOR YOU!
One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga or meditation class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Start a craft or business enterprise that excites you. Make time for strolls in nature, physical exercise, watching your weight and diet. Treat yourself to a message or facial. Indulge when you can.
When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can’t be there for them if you’re not there for yourself to renew your spirits. It’s all part of the Child-Centered Divorce formula and it works if you play your part.
Do the best you can. Be the best parent you can be. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You’re not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!
HANDLE YOUR CONFLICTS
Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.
When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.
It’s a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.
Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to “win” the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on.
Bonus Step: TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
Dr. Phil often says, “Every relationship needs a hero.” Be the one who can step up and look beyond the ego gratification of being right, winning the battle or getting your way. Why? Because it will be in the best interest of your children for you to minimize conflict as quickly and smoothly as possible.
That doesn’t mean you become a door-mat. Stand up for your values and make your points. If concession won’t be harming your children’s overall well-being, consider whether you can let go. It’s not about being “right.” It’s about being the best parent for the kids you love.
If you must stand firm, do it without ego interference or “I told you so” put downs. Make your points objectively. Use “I” language – stating your feelings as yours. Avoid “you” language that’s insulting or insensitive. It rarely gets you where you want to go – to the place that best supports your children’s authentic needs.
It takes a mature, aware adult to take the high road when a conflict is taking place. Be that person. By modeling maturity you are laying the foundation for your ex, in-laws and others in your life to respond on a higher level. Be a catalyst for behavior you can be proud of. In the future your children will remember who behaved as an adult and made them feel secure, protected and loved. They’ll acknowledge you for it. Wait and see!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching, parenting resources and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
What’s holding you back from moving on after your divorce? Are there constructive steps you can take to transition into the better life you desire and certainly deserve? Here are some important points to consider and take action on which will enable you to create a healthier, more gratifying new chapter in your life – for you and your children.
LEARN TO LET GO
If you truly want to move on from your divorce you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit – not on behalf of your former spouse.
Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that’s painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children – if not for yourself – decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It’s not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?
FORGIVENESS
The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.
Next take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.
You are cutting the emotional chords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don’t you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Cut the chord and be free!
MAKE TIME FOR YOU!
One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga or meditation class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Start a craft or business enterprise that excites you. Make time for strolls in nature, physical exercise, watching your weight and diet. Treat yourself to a message or facial. Indulge when you can.
When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can’t be there for them if you’re not there for yourself to renew your spirits. It’s all part of the Child-Centered Divorce formula and it works if you play your part.
Do the best you can. Be the best parent you can be. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You’re not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!
HANDLE YOUR CONFLICTS
Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.
When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.
It’s a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.
Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to “win” the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on.
Bonus Step: TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
Dr. Phil often says, “Every relationship needs a hero.” Be the one who can step up and look beyond the ego gratification of being right, winning the battle or getting your way. Why? Because it will be in the best interest of your children for you to minimize conflict as quickly and smoothly as possible.
That doesn’t mean you become a door-mat. Stand up for your values and make your points. If concession won’t be harming your children’s overall well-being, consider whether you can let go. It’s not about being “right.” It’s about being the best parent for the kids you love.
If you must stand firm, do it without ego interference or “I told you so” put downs. Make your points objectively. Use “I” language – stating your feelings as yours. Avoid “you” language that’s insulting or insensitive. It rarely gets you where you want to go – to the place that best supports your children’s authentic needs.
It takes a mature, aware adult to take the high road when a conflict is taking place. Be that person. By modeling maturity you are laying the foundation for your ex, in-laws and others in your life to respond on a higher level. Be a catalyst for behavior you can be proud of. In the future your children will remember who behaved as an adult and made them feel secure, protected and loved. They’ll acknowledge you for it. Wait and see!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching, parenting resources and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Friday, November 13, 2009
How to Overcome Holiday Depression During and After Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Thanksgiving, Christmas – most any holiday -- can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.
If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the "shoulds." We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he's doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn't. You get the idea.
Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.
Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.
Be your own best friend:
Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.
Focus on lifting the spirits of others:
Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!
Integrate – don’t isolate:
Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.
Initiate New Holiday Traditions:
Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.
Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, her free articles and ezine, child-centered divorce coaching and other resources for parents, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
Thanksgiving, Christmas – most any holiday -- can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.
If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the "shoulds." We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he's doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn't. You get the idea.
Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.
Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.
Be your own best friend:
Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.
Focus on lifting the spirits of others:
Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!
Integrate – don’t isolate:
Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.
Initiate New Holiday Traditions:
Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.
Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, her free articles and ezine, child-centered divorce coaching and other resources for parents, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Mackenzie Phillips, Child Abuse and Divorce
Thank you, Belinda, for your sane commentary on this disturbing subject. It is so important for adults to wake up and recognize the symptoms of children acting out, whether as a consequence of a divorce gone wrong, abusive parenting, sexual abuse by a trusted adult or other destructive behaviors. When we compound the abuse by not acknowledging it, disregarding its effects or shaming the victim, the poison spreads, infecting generation after generation of innocent children and young adults.
It is very sad to hear Mackenzie's story. It would be even sadder if we don't learn some major lessons from this and realize that there is always an underlying reason why children act out.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost
Thursday, September 3, 2009
After Divorce: 4 Ways to Ease Between-Home Transitions for Your Kids
During divorce proceedings parenting plans or contact schedules are usually established to create a semblance of routine in this new chapter of family life. I am a strong believer in co-parenting whenever possible to serve the best interest of your children. But it’s the reality of post-divorce daily life that puts everyone to the test.
Here are 4 ways to ease the process for everyone involved.
1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-homes transition will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Also allow your children time to adjust to the “new” home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another “routine.”
2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details in front of your children. Have a calendar or other device available some you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Create a system for creating and confirming schedule data -- and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you’re both alone at another time.
3. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent’s house. They fear you’ll feel lonely or abandoned. It’s important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some “alone” time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!
4. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent -- and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can’t invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them – and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?
If you keep these points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities – sharing time with your children – a smooth and pleasant reality. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning. So why choose any other plan?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Here are 4 ways to ease the process for everyone involved.
1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-homes transition will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Also allow your children time to adjust to the “new” home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another “routine.”
2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details in front of your children. Have a calendar or other device available some you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Create a system for creating and confirming schedule data -- and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you’re both alone at another time.
3. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent’s house. They fear you’ll feel lonely or abandoned. It’s important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some “alone” time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!
4. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent -- and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can’t invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them – and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?
If you keep these points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities – sharing time with your children – a smooth and pleasant reality. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning. So why choose any other plan?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Consistent Co-Parenting a Huge Benefit to Kids after Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Parenting after divorce takes patience, cooperation and collaboration. It’s not uncommon for one parent to notice behavior differences in their children when they return from a stay with their other parent. This can be extremely frustrating or irritating, especially if your values and parenting style doesn’t match that of your former spouse.
What can you do to remedy the situation? Try having a conversation about how inconsistencies affect your children after divorce – and see if you can come to a better understanding.
Consistency in parenting creates the smoothest transition after divorce – and in the years that follow. If the rules previously established in your home are still followed by both parents after the divorce, the children are likely to more easily adjust to the new transitions in their life. In families where Mom and Dad dramatically disagree about significant parenting decisions, the consequences can be disturbing and sometimes dangerous. Differing values regarding discipline, curfews, homework, eating habits, after school activities, etc. can create confusion in your children and major conflicts between Mom and Dad. Children can pay the price emotionally – and are also likely to take advantage of the parental rift in many destructive ways. When they play Mom against Dad everyone looses and the kids especially lose the security and continuity of effective parenting.
With this in mind, strike up a conversation with your ex and discuss ways in which you can agree on some rules in both houses. Don’t point fingers and put your ex on the defensive with blame or shame. Focus instead on the benefits to your children when they experience consistency and agreement between their parents.
If you can’t find a place of agreement, try to let go and accept the disparities rather than creating more tension in your relationship. Children will adapt to differences in Mom and Dad’s homes and come to accept that as reality. While they may act out more and take advantage of your lack of agreement and continuity between homes, they will survive. Trust that in time they often come to appreciate your values and the fact that you’ve stuck to them. Often as adults they will acknowledge you for the very rules that they most rebelled against.
We demand a lot from children when they move from home to home as we try to co-parent after divorce. For that reason give your kids some slack. Allow the time to transition back into your home after an away-stay with their other parent. Remind them gently about the way we do things in your house and don’t jump on them for infringements in the first hours after their return.
Remember they didn’t ask for your divorce and as hard as any of this is on you, it’s that much more difficult for them – physically as well as emotionally.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching services and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
Parenting after divorce takes patience, cooperation and collaboration. It’s not uncommon for one parent to notice behavior differences in their children when they return from a stay with their other parent. This can be extremely frustrating or irritating, especially if your values and parenting style doesn’t match that of your former spouse.
What can you do to remedy the situation? Try having a conversation about how inconsistencies affect your children after divorce – and see if you can come to a better understanding.
Consistency in parenting creates the smoothest transition after divorce – and in the years that follow. If the rules previously established in your home are still followed by both parents after the divorce, the children are likely to more easily adjust to the new transitions in their life. In families where Mom and Dad dramatically disagree about significant parenting decisions, the consequences can be disturbing and sometimes dangerous. Differing values regarding discipline, curfews, homework, eating habits, after school activities, etc. can create confusion in your children and major conflicts between Mom and Dad. Children can pay the price emotionally – and are also likely to take advantage of the parental rift in many destructive ways. When they play Mom against Dad everyone looses and the kids especially lose the security and continuity of effective parenting.
With this in mind, strike up a conversation with your ex and discuss ways in which you can agree on some rules in both houses. Don’t point fingers and put your ex on the defensive with blame or shame. Focus instead on the benefits to your children when they experience consistency and agreement between their parents.
If you can’t find a place of agreement, try to let go and accept the disparities rather than creating more tension in your relationship. Children will adapt to differences in Mom and Dad’s homes and come to accept that as reality. While they may act out more and take advantage of your lack of agreement and continuity between homes, they will survive. Trust that in time they often come to appreciate your values and the fact that you’ve stuck to them. Often as adults they will acknowledge you for the very rules that they most rebelled against.
We demand a lot from children when they move from home to home as we try to co-parent after divorce. For that reason give your kids some slack. Allow the time to transition back into your home after an away-stay with their other parent. Remind them gently about the way we do things in your house and don’t jump on them for infringements in the first hours after their return.
Remember they didn’t ask for your divorce and as hard as any of this is on you, it’s that much more difficult for them – physically as well as emotionally.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching services and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
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