By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Forgiveness is a decision to let go of resentment, pain, hurt as well as thoughts of revenge. Forgiving doesn’t mean you are forgetting or denying the pain and hurt. It means you are releasing the grip it has over your life and focusing on more positive facets of life for your own well-being. Forgiving does not mean you deny the other person’s responsibility in hurting you, nor does it minimize it. We don’t forgive for the other person. We forgive because of the value it brings to us.
Through forgiveness you can better understand that no one is perfect -- that we all make mistakes. Forgiveness enables you to come to terms with your inner turmoil by letting go of the destructive thoughts you may be harboring inside – thoughts that cause you distress and discomfort. To forgive means you take back control of your life and dissolve the hateful thoughts that follow you wherever you go.
Here are some key points to understand about forgiveness and why all mental health practitioners consider it a major step forward in coping with life’s harshest experiences:
1. You forgive for its value to you – regardless of whether the other person “deserves” to be forgiven. It is about regaining your personal power.
2. You forgive because it feels better inside you. It also makes you “a bigger, better” person.
3. When you reach a state of forgiveness, you reduce the awkwardness of being together at gatherings -- relieving tension and uncomfortable moments. This can be especially valuable for family members after a divorce.
4. You experience a kind of emotional and spiritual peace and healing when you forgive. The offense loses its power over you and stops being the object of all your thoughts.
5. Forgiveness begins with a decision to stop harboring resentment and enables you to finally move on with your own life.
6. Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself. It is not something you do for someone else. It is ultimately an internal decision and inner process.
7. With forgiveness, you give up playing the powerless role of victim.
8. An important step in the process of forgiveness is remembering the experience and seeking deeper understanding of its emotional impact on you. Then you decide to end the impact from a position of personal power!
9. The sense of personal power enables you to rise above the painful event and move it into your personal history, not part of your future life.
10. Through forgiveness, you become your own ally -- an agent of change in your own life. It introduces you to a new way of experiencing hurtful events without holding on to the pain.
11. Forgiveness begins when the victim starts to look at the accused as a fallible, imperfect human being who in many ways is not much different than him/herself.
12. The conscious act of forgiving will increase your self-esteem, reduce your anger and inhibit your anxiety.
For many, forgiveness is a process. You may not be able to totally let go today, but you can make that an intention and start in small ways. See how it feels to release the burden of resentment that you may be holding. Little by little you can free yourself of the weight of anger and experience the gift of peace and personal growth that comes with forgiveness!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Acclaimed by divorce professionals, the book provides fill-in-the-blank templates that guide parents in creating a family storybook with personal photographs as an ideal way to break the news. For more details, a free ezine, articles, coaching and other resources visit http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Friday, March 4, 2011
Dating after 40, 50 ... 60?
Watch co-authors Rosalind Sedacca, CCT and Amy Sherman, LMHC talk about their new book, 99 Things Women Wish They Knew Before Dating After 40, 50 & Yes, 60! on CBS News 12 in West Palm Beach.
Dating after 40, 50 ... 60?
Dating after 40, 50 ... 60?
Saturday, February 5, 2011
5 Ways to Safeguard Your Children During and After Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Communication with our children is always important, but never as essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce. Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress and anxiety they’ll experience. This is the time to reassure your children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the family will be okay. Then, of course, take responsibility for doing what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children’s lives as is feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible, serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on their emotional security.
2. Make spending time and attention with your children a priority. With all the stress in your life it’s easy to overlook your kid’s need for stability and security. The best source for that is you. It’s easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them. Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing questions from the outside, such as, “I don’t know. My mom and dad are working on that.” Or “You’ll have to ask my mom about that.” Do whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who know what they are going through and can share feelings and stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don’t wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel “heard” by an objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in bed. So may your children. But they can’t always express what they are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can. This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca, CCT All rights reserved.
Communication with our children is always important, but never as essential as when they are touched by separation or divorce. Children are vulnerable and easily frightened by changes in their routines. The more you talk to and comfort them, the less stress and anxiety they’ll experience. This is the time to reassure your children that you are taking care of matters and everyone in the family will be okay. Then, of course, take responsibility for doing what needs to be done to assure their well-being.
Here are five important ways you can help your children to thrive during and after your divorce.
1. Strive to keep as much normalcy in your children’s lives as is feasible. Maintaining relationships with friends and neighbors provides a sense of stability and continuity. Keeping children in the same school and remaining in the same house, when possible, serves to remind children that life is still going on as usual in many ways. That awareness makes it easier to adapt to the other changes happening at the same time. Always make decisions based on their emotional security.
2. Make spending time and attention with your children a priority. With all the stress in your life it’s easy to overlook your kid’s need for stability and security. The best source for that is you. It’s easy to take solace with friends or bury yourself in work, but your children need you more than ever right now. Your love and attention are the most valuable resources you can share with them. Make sure you are generous with both!
3. Talk to your children about ways to discuss the divorce with their friends and extended family. Coach them on answers to probing questions from the outside, such as, “I don’t know. My mom and dad are working on that.” Or “You’ll have to ask my mom about that.” Do whatever it takes to remember that your children deserve to have and keep their childhood. Let them be kids. Never burden them with adult responsibilities or communication.
4. Seek out other families who have experienced divorce as part of a new network. This can provide support and new friends for you as well as your children. They will appreciate meeting other kids who know what they are going through and can share feelings and stories. School guidance counselors may be able to help you find support groups, clubs or other gatherings.
5. Don’t wait for emotional or behavior problems to appear. It is often wise to talk to a family therapist in advance about issues to be aware of. Or schedule a few sessions with your children so they can express their anxiety, fear, anger, etc. and feel “heard” by an objective third party. Ask friends, pediatricians or school professionals for referrals to therapists experienced with divorce.
Some days you may want to hide in a closet or under the blankets in bed. So may your children. But they can’t always express what they are feeling and why. It is your responsibility to be diligent in protecting your children -- emotionally as well as physically. Keep the doors to communication open as non-judgmentally as you can. This will go a long way toward helping the children you love get through these challenging times with the best possible outcome.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca, CCT All rights reserved.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Disciplining Children After Divorce: Limit their Behavior but Not their Thoughts
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Discipline is always a challenge for parents. Regardless of the age your child may be, they inevitably find ways to act out, challenge your authority and test the limits of their boundaries. Often these behaviors create tension and disagreements between Mom and Dad, which children are good at exploiting to their advantage. This, of course, is the time for Mom and Dad to forge a solid bond of agreement regarding their approach to discipline. If they do, the child is less likely to test the waters and more likely to alter their behavior into more appropriate channels.
When separation or divorce takes place, disciplining children can become even more difficult, especially if Mom and Dad are not on good terms regarding parenting their children. Parental discord can open the door for children to move into behavioral extremes, pitting you and your former spouse against each other. We've all seen the consequences when this occurs, and your children are definitely on the losing end.
Marriage and family counselor Dr. Paul Wanio (a contributor to my internationally acclaimed book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?) offers some sound advice on how to discipline your children without their developing a negative self-image. His suggestions include:
"Focus on limiting your child's behavior, but not your child's thoughts and feelings. If you do not allow your children the space to express who they are and how they feel about the subject at hand, they will repress the communication, but their resentment will incubate and grow.
"Remind your children that thoughts and feelings are not "bad," even when behavior is inappropriate. The difference is important for them to understand -- and for you to remember.
"Seek to influence thoughts, to understand and accept feelings and to improve their behavior. Making a conscious effort in this direction will bring rewards in terms of behavior changes and respect for you as a parent. This is obviously more difficult to do than it sounds, but it is definitely worth the effort. When children feel heard and accepted, they are much less likely to lash out at their parents, siblings, friends or school-mates.
"True discipline should not be thought of as punishment, but as a lesson to teach your child about Life. When you discipline from this mind-set, you will come from a supportive perspective and not get caught up in destructive behaviors yourself that come from vindictiveness and resentment."
Families that are dealing with divorce or separation need to pay particular attention to conscious disciplining. Children forced to handle the break-up of their family dynamic may be holding on to a broad range of feelings and thoughts that need to be expressed, accepted and influenced in a positive direction. I encourage parents to seek out the assistance of a counselor or other professional as soon as they sense any depression or other problem behaviors.
This is not a time to forego discipline, which is an essential part of the parenting process. It is a time to pay keen attention to your children to make sure they are moving through the challenges of "change" in their lives with age-appropriate acceptance and behaviors that fall within a normal range for your family.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a "child-centered divorce." For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to preparing your children -- with Love! Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com
Discipline is always a challenge for parents. Regardless of the age your child may be, they inevitably find ways to act out, challenge your authority and test the limits of their boundaries. Often these behaviors create tension and disagreements between Mom and Dad, which children are good at exploiting to their advantage. This, of course, is the time for Mom and Dad to forge a solid bond of agreement regarding their approach to discipline. If they do, the child is less likely to test the waters and more likely to alter their behavior into more appropriate channels.
When separation or divorce takes place, disciplining children can become even more difficult, especially if Mom and Dad are not on good terms regarding parenting their children. Parental discord can open the door for children to move into behavioral extremes, pitting you and your former spouse against each other. We've all seen the consequences when this occurs, and your children are definitely on the losing end.
Marriage and family counselor Dr. Paul Wanio (a contributor to my internationally acclaimed book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?) offers some sound advice on how to discipline your children without their developing a negative self-image. His suggestions include:
"Focus on limiting your child's behavior, but not your child's thoughts and feelings. If you do not allow your children the space to express who they are and how they feel about the subject at hand, they will repress the communication, but their resentment will incubate and grow.
"Remind your children that thoughts and feelings are not "bad," even when behavior is inappropriate. The difference is important for them to understand -- and for you to remember.
"Seek to influence thoughts, to understand and accept feelings and to improve their behavior. Making a conscious effort in this direction will bring rewards in terms of behavior changes and respect for you as a parent. This is obviously more difficult to do than it sounds, but it is definitely worth the effort. When children feel heard and accepted, they are much less likely to lash out at their parents, siblings, friends or school-mates.
"True discipline should not be thought of as punishment, but as a lesson to teach your child about Life. When you discipline from this mind-set, you will come from a supportive perspective and not get caught up in destructive behaviors yourself that come from vindictiveness and resentment."
Families that are dealing with divorce or separation need to pay particular attention to conscious disciplining. Children forced to handle the break-up of their family dynamic may be holding on to a broad range of feelings and thoughts that need to be expressed, accepted and influenced in a positive direction. I encourage parents to seek out the assistance of a counselor or other professional as soon as they sense any depression or other problem behaviors.
This is not a time to forego discipline, which is an essential part of the parenting process. It is a time to pay keen attention to your children to make sure they are moving through the challenges of "change" in their lives with age-appropriate acceptance and behaviors that fall within a normal range for your family.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a "child-centered divorce." For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to preparing your children -- with Love! Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com
Sunday, July 11, 2010
During National Child-Centered Divorce Month parents get free ebooks, coaching, teleclasses & more!
During National Child-Centered Divorce Month - throughout July - gifts are being offer to help parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children's well-being during and after separation or divorce.
Divorce attorneys, mediators, therapists, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and other professionals concerned about the effects of divorce on children will be sharing their advice and insights on the topic throughout July. Their goal is to educate parents about the choices they do have before moving into divorce to prevent negative consequences for children of all ages.
During July parents are encouraged to visit a special web page at which they can download a variety of free ebooks, audio presentations, services and other gifts from divorce professionals throughout North America. They can also access a series of free teleclasses presented by "child-centered" divorce experts providing sound advice on divorce and parenting issues. The complimentary information will be available at www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.
In addition, divorce experts from coast to coast will also be announcing local educational events including teleseminars, workshops, discussion groups, coaching and other activities designed for divorced parents and those contemplating divorce.
As a divorced parent, divorce coach and author I initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month for parents and work closely with concerned divorce experts around the globe who are focused on providing ways to create the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.
My goal is to catch divorcing parents before they make mistakes they will regret when it comes to their children's emotional well-being. By bringing the nation's legal, therapeutic and educational communities together we can reach out through the media with messages designed to encourage peaceful divorce outcomes.
We want to discuss the painful consequences of parental alienation, encourage respectful co-parenting, teach effective communication skills, and guide parents away from litigation-based solutions. As many of you know, I am the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! My now grown son wrote the book's introduction. I am also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network which provides a free newsletter, articles and resources for parents at www.childcentereddivorce.com. We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect and scar our children – for years – and often for a lifetime.
Parents and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can get involved by contacting me through my Child-Centered Divorce Groups at Facebook and LinkedIn, which are free for parents and divorce professionals to join, or by visiting www.childcentereddivorce.com.
For more information about Child-Centered Divorce Month in July contact me directly at divorcepro@gmail.com or http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Scroll to the bottom of the Home page for updates. The gifts for parents during July can be found at:
http://www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce
Divorce attorneys, mediators, therapists, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and other professionals concerned about the effects of divorce on children will be sharing their advice and insights on the topic throughout July. Their goal is to educate parents about the choices they do have before moving into divorce to prevent negative consequences for children of all ages.
During July parents are encouraged to visit a special web page at which they can download a variety of free ebooks, audio presentations, services and other gifts from divorce professionals throughout North America. They can also access a series of free teleclasses presented by "child-centered" divorce experts providing sound advice on divorce and parenting issues. The complimentary information will be available at www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.
In addition, divorce experts from coast to coast will also be announcing local educational events including teleseminars, workshops, discussion groups, coaching and other activities designed for divorced parents and those contemplating divorce.
As a divorced parent, divorce coach and author I initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month for parents and work closely with concerned divorce experts around the globe who are focused on providing ways to create the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.
My goal is to catch divorcing parents before they make mistakes they will regret when it comes to their children's emotional well-being. By bringing the nation's legal, therapeutic and educational communities together we can reach out through the media with messages designed to encourage peaceful divorce outcomes.
We want to discuss the painful consequences of parental alienation, encourage respectful co-parenting, teach effective communication skills, and guide parents away from litigation-based solutions. As many of you know, I am the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! My now grown son wrote the book's introduction. I am also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network which provides a free newsletter, articles and resources for parents at www.childcentereddivorce.com. We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect and scar our children – for years – and often for a lifetime.
Parents and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can get involved by contacting me through my Child-Centered Divorce Groups at Facebook and LinkedIn, which are free for parents and divorce professionals to join, or by visiting www.childcentereddivorce.com.
For more information about Child-Centered Divorce Month in July contact me directly at divorcepro@gmail.com or http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Scroll to the bottom of the Home page for updates. The gifts for parents during July can be found at:
http://www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce
Friday, June 25, 2010
Talking to Your Kids After Divorce Can be Tough – But Necessary!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
As a divorced parent you can never pay too much attention to your communication skills with your children. It keeps the doors open to a healthier, more positive relationship with them. It makes you more sensitive to issues of concern early on so you can nip them in the bud. It encourages your children to talk about what they are feeling, questions they have and situations that are creating conflict for them.
Don’t sit down and say, let’s talk. Find comfortable times and places where conversation can flow naturally and easily. Then bring up related subjects in a casual way. Watching TV or movies at home can often be a catalyst for valuable conversation. Driving in the car together can also be a time of discussion, questions and sharing feelings.
Here are some tips that can help you ease into more productive communication with your kids.
· Asking why can be intimidating and close off your conversation. Instead ask what happened questions which keep the dialogue open.
· Be patient. Don’t react or respond until you get the full message. Sometimes it takes some meandering for your child to reach the crucial point of what they want to say. Don’t shut them off too soon!
· Remember that preaching, moralizing or “parenting” comments can put up barriers to clear communication. Listening is your most valuable skill and tool.
· Watch your judgments and put-downs, even with upsetting information. Don’t belittle your children, call them names or insult their behaviors. Talk to them – not at them! The difference is felt as respect.
· Acknowledge your children for coming to you. Praise their braveness. If you were at fault, apologize honestly and discuss how you can make changes for the future.
· Show that you accept and love them – even if their behaviors were not acceptable. Then help them come up with some acceptable solutions they can understand and feel good about.
Put yourself in your child’s place and you will likely make wiser decisions when it comes to talking about sensitive areas in their life. Afraid to talk about touchy subjects? Get some help from a counselor. It’s essential that you talk to your children and be role model for them. Don’t let them down!
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
As a divorced parent you can never pay too much attention to your communication skills with your children. It keeps the doors open to a healthier, more positive relationship with them. It makes you more sensitive to issues of concern early on so you can nip them in the bud. It encourages your children to talk about what they are feeling, questions they have and situations that are creating conflict for them.
Don’t sit down and say, let’s talk. Find comfortable times and places where conversation can flow naturally and easily. Then bring up related subjects in a casual way. Watching TV or movies at home can often be a catalyst for valuable conversation. Driving in the car together can also be a time of discussion, questions and sharing feelings.
Here are some tips that can help you ease into more productive communication with your kids.
· Asking why can be intimidating and close off your conversation. Instead ask what happened questions which keep the dialogue open.
· Be patient. Don’t react or respond until you get the full message. Sometimes it takes some meandering for your child to reach the crucial point of what they want to say. Don’t shut them off too soon!
· Remember that preaching, moralizing or “parenting” comments can put up barriers to clear communication. Listening is your most valuable skill and tool.
· Watch your judgments and put-downs, even with upsetting information. Don’t belittle your children, call them names or insult their behaviors. Talk to them – not at them! The difference is felt as respect.
· Acknowledge your children for coming to you. Praise their braveness. If you were at fault, apologize honestly and discuss how you can make changes for the future.
· Show that you accept and love them – even if their behaviors were not acceptable. Then help them come up with some acceptable solutions they can understand and feel good about.
Put yourself in your child’s place and you will likely make wiser decisions when it comes to talking about sensitive areas in their life. Afraid to talk about touchy subjects? Get some help from a counselor. It’s essential that you talk to your children and be role model for them. Don’t let them down!
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Make Smart Choices for Post-Divorce Co-Parenting Success
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Divorce doesn’t end your co-parenting relationship with your former spouse. It only changes some of the form. It is still essential to create a working relationship focused on the optimum care and concern for your children. Every co-parenting relationship will be unique, affected by your post-divorce family dynamics. However, there are guidelines that will enhance the results for children in any family. Here are some crucial points to keep in mind to maximize your co-parenting success.
Respect your co-parent’s boundaries:
Chances are your former spouse has a different parenting style than you, with some conflicting rules. Rather than stress yourself about these differences, learn to accept that life is never consistent and it may actually be beneficial for your kids to experience other ways of doing things. Step back from micro-managing your co-parent’s life. If the kids aren’t in harm’s way, let go and focus on only the most serious issues before you take a stand.
Create routine co-parent check-ins:
The more co-parents communicate with one another about the children, the less likely for small issues to grow into major problems. Select days/times for phone, email or in-person visits. Discuss in advance visitation transfer agreements. List who’s responsible for what each day, week or month. Food, homework, curfews, health issues, allowances, school transportation, sport activities, play dates, holiday plans and more should be clearly agreed upon, when possible – or scheduled for further discussion. Once you have a clear parenting plan structured – follow it to the best of your ability. But allow for last-minute changes and special “favors” to facilitate cooperation.
Encourage your child’s co-parent relationship:
Regardless of your personal feelings about your ex, your children need a healthy connection with their other parent. Keep snide comments to yourself and don’t discuss your parenting frustrations with your children. Encourage your kids to maintain a caring, respectful relationship with their other parent. Remind them about Mom or Dad’s birthday and holiday gifts. Make time in the weekly schedule for phone calls, cards, email and letters to keep the children’s connection alive when your co-parent is at a distance. Your children will thank you when they grow up.
Be compassionate with your in-laws:
Remember that a Grandparent’s love doesn’t stop after divorce. If your children had a healthy bond with your former spouse’s extended family, don’t punish them by severing that connection. Children thrive on family attachments, holiday get-togethers and traditions they’ve come to love. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can be a great source of comfort to children during stressful times and a sense of continuity with the past. Dissolving those relationships is hurtful to both your children and the other family. Think long and hard before making such an emotionally damaging decision.
Above all, be flexible. When you allow calls from your co-parent when the kids are in your home, they will be more receptive to your calls when the tables are turned. Remember, you are still a parenting team working on behalf of your children. That commonality should enable you to overlook the thorns in your co-parenting relationship and focus on the flowering buds that are the children you are raising.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Her free articles, ezine, blog, coaching, teleseminars and other valuable resources for parents facing, moving through or transitioning after divorce can be found at: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Divorce doesn’t end your co-parenting relationship with your former spouse. It only changes some of the form. It is still essential to create a working relationship focused on the optimum care and concern for your children. Every co-parenting relationship will be unique, affected by your post-divorce family dynamics. However, there are guidelines that will enhance the results for children in any family. Here are some crucial points to keep in mind to maximize your co-parenting success.
Respect your co-parent’s boundaries:
Chances are your former spouse has a different parenting style than you, with some conflicting rules. Rather than stress yourself about these differences, learn to accept that life is never consistent and it may actually be beneficial for your kids to experience other ways of doing things. Step back from micro-managing your co-parent’s life. If the kids aren’t in harm’s way, let go and focus on only the most serious issues before you take a stand.
Create routine co-parent check-ins:
The more co-parents communicate with one another about the children, the less likely for small issues to grow into major problems. Select days/times for phone, email or in-person visits. Discuss in advance visitation transfer agreements. List who’s responsible for what each day, week or month. Food, homework, curfews, health issues, allowances, school transportation, sport activities, play dates, holiday plans and more should be clearly agreed upon, when possible – or scheduled for further discussion. Once you have a clear parenting plan structured – follow it to the best of your ability. But allow for last-minute changes and special “favors” to facilitate cooperation.
Encourage your child’s co-parent relationship:
Regardless of your personal feelings about your ex, your children need a healthy connection with their other parent. Keep snide comments to yourself and don’t discuss your parenting frustrations with your children. Encourage your kids to maintain a caring, respectful relationship with their other parent. Remind them about Mom or Dad’s birthday and holiday gifts. Make time in the weekly schedule for phone calls, cards, email and letters to keep the children’s connection alive when your co-parent is at a distance. Your children will thank you when they grow up.
Be compassionate with your in-laws:
Remember that a Grandparent’s love doesn’t stop after divorce. If your children had a healthy bond with your former spouse’s extended family, don’t punish them by severing that connection. Children thrive on family attachments, holiday get-togethers and traditions they’ve come to love. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can be a great source of comfort to children during stressful times and a sense of continuity with the past. Dissolving those relationships is hurtful to both your children and the other family. Think long and hard before making such an emotionally damaging decision.
Above all, be flexible. When you allow calls from your co-parent when the kids are in your home, they will be more receptive to your calls when the tables are turned. Remember, you are still a parenting team working on behalf of your children. That commonality should enable you to overlook the thorns in your co-parenting relationship and focus on the flowering buds that are the children you are raising.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Her free articles, ezine, blog, coaching, teleseminars and other valuable resources for parents facing, moving through or transitioning after divorce can be found at: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Telling the kids about your divorce? Avoid these mistakes!
Getting psyched up to tell your children about your pending divorce
-- or separation? Not sure what to say? When to say it? How to
say it? What to expect after the conversation? What to do next?
How do deal with your special circumstances? What therapists,
mediators, attorneys, clergy and other professionals suggest you do
and don't do to make things better all around? Well, you're not
alone.
Having the "divorce talk" with a child you love is one of the
toughest conversations you'll ever have. Shouldn't you be prepared?
Professionals all agree on some of the most common mistakes parents
make when bringing up divorce or separation. These include:
* asking children to bear the weight of making decisions or
choosing sides
* failing to remind children that none of this is in any way their
fault
* forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will still always be
their Mom and Dad -- even after divorce!
* confiding adult details to children in order to attract their
allegiance or sympathy
* neglecting to repeatedly remind children that they are safe,
innocent and very much loved
* failing to explain clearly that everything is going to be okay!
These are just some of the most common messages that parents fail
to convey because they're just not prepared -- and most probably
quite scared!
If you're about to tackle this tough conversation -- or you know
someone who is -- there's finally help you can depend on to
simplify the process. It’s an easy to read ebook titled, How Do I Tell the
Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide that
Prepares Your Children -- with Love! It provides an innovative
new concept I created, based on my own life experience. And, most
importantly, it works!
To learn more about this therapist-, attorney- and
mediator-endorsed guidebook for parents, click on the link below.
You'll get the whole story of how the easy-to-use template works,
how you and your children will benefit from this personalized family
storybook approach -- and much more. Most important of all, this
simple guidebook doesn't just tell you what to say -- it says it
for you! So you're sure to do it right, for the sake of your kids.
Visit here to learn more ...
http://www.howdoitellthekids.com
-- or separation? Not sure what to say? When to say it? How to
say it? What to expect after the conversation? What to do next?
How do deal with your special circumstances? What therapists,
mediators, attorneys, clergy and other professionals suggest you do
and don't do to make things better all around? Well, you're not
alone.
Having the "divorce talk" with a child you love is one of the
toughest conversations you'll ever have. Shouldn't you be prepared?
Professionals all agree on some of the most common mistakes parents
make when bringing up divorce or separation. These include:
* asking children to bear the weight of making decisions or
choosing sides
* failing to remind children that none of this is in any way their
fault
* forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will still always be
their Mom and Dad -- even after divorce!
* confiding adult details to children in order to attract their
allegiance or sympathy
* neglecting to repeatedly remind children that they are safe,
innocent and very much loved
* failing to explain clearly that everything is going to be okay!
These are just some of the most common messages that parents fail
to convey because they're just not prepared -- and most probably
quite scared!
If you're about to tackle this tough conversation -- or you know
someone who is -- there's finally help you can depend on to
simplify the process. It’s an easy to read ebook titled, How Do I Tell the
Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide that
Prepares Your Children -- with Love! It provides an innovative
new concept I created, based on my own life experience. And, most
importantly, it works!
To learn more about this therapist-, attorney- and
mediator-endorsed guidebook for parents, click on the link below.
You'll get the whole story of how the easy-to-use template works,
how you and your children will benefit from this personalized family
storybook approach -- and much more. Most important of all, this
simple guidebook doesn't just tell you what to say -- it says it
for you! So you're sure to do it right, for the sake of your kids.
Visit here to learn more ...
http://www.howdoitellthekids.com
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Moving On After Divorce Takes Acceptance & Awareness
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
What’s holding you back from moving on after your divorce? Are there constructive steps you can take to transition into the better life you desire and certainly deserve? Here are some important points to consider and take action on which will enable you to create a healthier, more gratifying new chapter in your life – for you and your children.
LEARN TO LET GO
If you truly want to move on from your divorce you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit – not on behalf of your former spouse.
Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that’s painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children – if not for yourself – decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It’s not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?
FORGIVENESS
The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.
Next take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.
You are cutting the emotional chords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don’t you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Cut the chord and be free!
MAKE TIME FOR YOU!
One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga or meditation class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Start a craft or business enterprise that excites you. Make time for strolls in nature, physical exercise, watching your weight and diet. Treat yourself to a message or facial. Indulge when you can.
When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can’t be there for them if you’re not there for yourself to renew your spirits. It’s all part of the Child-Centered Divorce formula and it works if you play your part.
Do the best you can. Be the best parent you can be. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You’re not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!
HANDLE YOUR CONFLICTS
Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.
When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.
It’s a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.
Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to “win” the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on.
Bonus Step: TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
Dr. Phil often says, “Every relationship needs a hero.” Be the one who can step up and look beyond the ego gratification of being right, winning the battle or getting your way. Why? Because it will be in the best interest of your children for you to minimize conflict as quickly and smoothly as possible.
That doesn’t mean you become a door-mat. Stand up for your values and make your points. If concession won’t be harming your children’s overall well-being, consider whether you can let go. It’s not about being “right.” It’s about being the best parent for the kids you love.
If you must stand firm, do it without ego interference or “I told you so” put downs. Make your points objectively. Use “I” language – stating your feelings as yours. Avoid “you” language that’s insulting or insensitive. It rarely gets you where you want to go – to the place that best supports your children’s authentic needs.
It takes a mature, aware adult to take the high road when a conflict is taking place. Be that person. By modeling maturity you are laying the foundation for your ex, in-laws and others in your life to respond on a higher level. Be a catalyst for behavior you can be proud of. In the future your children will remember who behaved as an adult and made them feel secure, protected and loved. They’ll acknowledge you for it. Wait and see!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching, parenting resources and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
What’s holding you back from moving on after your divorce? Are there constructive steps you can take to transition into the better life you desire and certainly deserve? Here are some important points to consider and take action on which will enable you to create a healthier, more gratifying new chapter in your life – for you and your children.
LEARN TO LET GO
If you truly want to move on from your divorce you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit – not on behalf of your former spouse.
Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that’s painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children – if not for yourself – decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It’s not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?
FORGIVENESS
The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.
Next take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.
You are cutting the emotional chords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don’t you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Cut the chord and be free!
MAKE TIME FOR YOU!
One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga or meditation class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Start a craft or business enterprise that excites you. Make time for strolls in nature, physical exercise, watching your weight and diet. Treat yourself to a message or facial. Indulge when you can.
When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can’t be there for them if you’re not there for yourself to renew your spirits. It’s all part of the Child-Centered Divorce formula and it works if you play your part.
Do the best you can. Be the best parent you can be. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You’re not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!
HANDLE YOUR CONFLICTS
Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.
When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.
It’s a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.
Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to “win” the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on.
Bonus Step: TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
Dr. Phil often says, “Every relationship needs a hero.” Be the one who can step up and look beyond the ego gratification of being right, winning the battle or getting your way. Why? Because it will be in the best interest of your children for you to minimize conflict as quickly and smoothly as possible.
That doesn’t mean you become a door-mat. Stand up for your values and make your points. If concession won’t be harming your children’s overall well-being, consider whether you can let go. It’s not about being “right.” It’s about being the best parent for the kids you love.
If you must stand firm, do it without ego interference or “I told you so” put downs. Make your points objectively. Use “I” language – stating your feelings as yours. Avoid “you” language that’s insulting or insensitive. It rarely gets you where you want to go – to the place that best supports your children’s authentic needs.
It takes a mature, aware adult to take the high road when a conflict is taking place. Be that person. By modeling maturity you are laying the foundation for your ex, in-laws and others in your life to respond on a higher level. Be a catalyst for behavior you can be proud of. In the future your children will remember who behaved as an adult and made them feel secure, protected and loved. They’ll acknowledge you for it. Wait and see!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching, parenting resources and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Friday, November 13, 2009
How to Overcome Holiday Depression During and After Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Thanksgiving, Christmas – most any holiday -- can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.
If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the "shoulds." We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he's doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn't. You get the idea.
Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.
Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.
Be your own best friend:
Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.
Focus on lifting the spirits of others:
Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!
Integrate – don’t isolate:
Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.
Initiate New Holiday Traditions:
Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.
Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, her free articles and ezine, child-centered divorce coaching and other resources for parents, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
Thanksgiving, Christmas – most any holiday -- can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.
If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the "shoulds." We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he's doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn't. You get the idea.
Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.
Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.
Be your own best friend:
Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.
Focus on lifting the spirits of others:
Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!
Integrate – don’t isolate:
Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.
Initiate New Holiday Traditions:
Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.
Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, her free articles and ezine, child-centered divorce coaching and other resources for parents, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
Friday, September 25, 2009
Mackenzie Phillips, Child Abuse and Divorce
Thank you, Belinda, for your sane commentary on this disturbing subject. It is so important for adults to wake up and recognize the symptoms of children acting out, whether as a consequence of a divorce gone wrong, abusive parenting, sexual abuse by a trusted adult or other destructive behaviors. When we compound the abuse by not acknowledging it, disregarding its effects or shaming the victim, the poison spreads, infecting generation after generation of innocent children and young adults.
It is very sad to hear Mackenzie's story. It would be even sadder if we don't learn some major lessons from this and realize that there is always an underlying reason why children act out.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost
Thursday, September 3, 2009
After Divorce: 4 Ways to Ease Between-Home Transitions for Your Kids
During divorce proceedings parenting plans or contact schedules are usually established to create a semblance of routine in this new chapter of family life. I am a strong believer in co-parenting whenever possible to serve the best interest of your children. But it’s the reality of post-divorce daily life that puts everyone to the test.
Here are 4 ways to ease the process for everyone involved.
1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-homes transition will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Also allow your children time to adjust to the “new” home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another “routine.”
2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details in front of your children. Have a calendar or other device available some you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Create a system for creating and confirming schedule data -- and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you’re both alone at another time.
3. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent’s house. They fear you’ll feel lonely or abandoned. It’s important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some “alone” time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!
4. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent -- and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can’t invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them – and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?
If you keep these points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities – sharing time with your children – a smooth and pleasant reality. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning. So why choose any other plan?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Here are 4 ways to ease the process for everyone involved.
1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-homes transition will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Also allow your children time to adjust to the “new” home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another “routine.”
2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details in front of your children. Have a calendar or other device available some you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Create a system for creating and confirming schedule data -- and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you’re both alone at another time.
3. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent’s house. They fear you’ll feel lonely or abandoned. It’s important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some “alone” time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!
4. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent -- and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can’t invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them – and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?
If you keep these points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities – sharing time with your children – a smooth and pleasant reality. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning. So why choose any other plan?
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Consistent Co-Parenting a Huge Benefit to Kids after Divorce
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Parenting after divorce takes patience, cooperation and collaboration. It’s not uncommon for one parent to notice behavior differences in their children when they return from a stay with their other parent. This can be extremely frustrating or irritating, especially if your values and parenting style doesn’t match that of your former spouse.
What can you do to remedy the situation? Try having a conversation about how inconsistencies affect your children after divorce – and see if you can come to a better understanding.
Consistency in parenting creates the smoothest transition after divorce – and in the years that follow. If the rules previously established in your home are still followed by both parents after the divorce, the children are likely to more easily adjust to the new transitions in their life. In families where Mom and Dad dramatically disagree about significant parenting decisions, the consequences can be disturbing and sometimes dangerous. Differing values regarding discipline, curfews, homework, eating habits, after school activities, etc. can create confusion in your children and major conflicts between Mom and Dad. Children can pay the price emotionally – and are also likely to take advantage of the parental rift in many destructive ways. When they play Mom against Dad everyone looses and the kids especially lose the security and continuity of effective parenting.
With this in mind, strike up a conversation with your ex and discuss ways in which you can agree on some rules in both houses. Don’t point fingers and put your ex on the defensive with blame or shame. Focus instead on the benefits to your children when they experience consistency and agreement between their parents.
If you can’t find a place of agreement, try to let go and accept the disparities rather than creating more tension in your relationship. Children will adapt to differences in Mom and Dad’s homes and come to accept that as reality. While they may act out more and take advantage of your lack of agreement and continuity between homes, they will survive. Trust that in time they often come to appreciate your values and the fact that you’ve stuck to them. Often as adults they will acknowledge you for the very rules that they most rebelled against.
We demand a lot from children when they move from home to home as we try to co-parent after divorce. For that reason give your kids some slack. Allow the time to transition back into your home after an away-stay with their other parent. Remind them gently about the way we do things in your house and don’t jump on them for infringements in the first hours after their return.
Remember they didn’t ask for your divorce and as hard as any of this is on you, it’s that much more difficult for them – physically as well as emotionally.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching services and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
Parenting after divorce takes patience, cooperation and collaboration. It’s not uncommon for one parent to notice behavior differences in their children when they return from a stay with their other parent. This can be extremely frustrating or irritating, especially if your values and parenting style doesn’t match that of your former spouse.
What can you do to remedy the situation? Try having a conversation about how inconsistencies affect your children after divorce – and see if you can come to a better understanding.
Consistency in parenting creates the smoothest transition after divorce – and in the years that follow. If the rules previously established in your home are still followed by both parents after the divorce, the children are likely to more easily adjust to the new transitions in their life. In families where Mom and Dad dramatically disagree about significant parenting decisions, the consequences can be disturbing and sometimes dangerous. Differing values regarding discipline, curfews, homework, eating habits, after school activities, etc. can create confusion in your children and major conflicts between Mom and Dad. Children can pay the price emotionally – and are also likely to take advantage of the parental rift in many destructive ways. When they play Mom against Dad everyone looses and the kids especially lose the security and continuity of effective parenting.
With this in mind, strike up a conversation with your ex and discuss ways in which you can agree on some rules in both houses. Don’t point fingers and put your ex on the defensive with blame or shame. Focus instead on the benefits to your children when they experience consistency and agreement between their parents.
If you can’t find a place of agreement, try to let go and accept the disparities rather than creating more tension in your relationship. Children will adapt to differences in Mom and Dad’s homes and come to accept that as reality. While they may act out more and take advantage of your lack of agreement and continuity between homes, they will survive. Trust that in time they often come to appreciate your values and the fact that you’ve stuck to them. Often as adults they will acknowledge you for the very rules that they most rebelled against.
We demand a lot from children when they move from home to home as we try to co-parent after divorce. For that reason give your kids some slack. Allow the time to transition back into your home after an away-stay with their other parent. Remind them gently about the way we do things in your house and don’t jump on them for infringements in the first hours after their return.
Remember they didn’t ask for your divorce and as hard as any of this is on you, it’s that much more difficult for them – physically as well as emotionally.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching services and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.
Sunday, August 2, 2009
Child-Centered Divorce Month Divorce Experts Lent a Helping Hand to Families in Need
I'm thrilled to announce to you that July was a valuable month of insights and education for the parents who participated in the activities presented during National Child-Centered Divorce Month.
Parents were invited to receive a host of useful free gifts from divorce experts throughout North America. The gifts included complimentary coaching sessions, ebooks on topics related to divorce and families, audio seminars and more.
In addition, divorce attorneys, mediators, financial analysts, coaches, authors and other professionals shared their expertise through a series of free teleseminars offered weekly during July. I'm making the links to the audio recordings of the teleseminars available to any divorced parents and professionals who didn’t hear them the first time around.
The teleseminar titles are listed below:
July 8: Finding the “gift” in Your Divorce
July 14: Creating a win/win Child-Centered Divorce
July 21: Healthy Transitioning Beyond Divorce
July 28: Keys to Making Sound Divorce Decisions
To access all the replays, you can send me an email at divorcepro@gmail.com with Replay Links in the subject line and she will send the four links via email.
This material is excellent and will be of great value to any parent who cares about the effects of divorce on their children. We had an exceptional team of knowledgeable and compassionate experts volunteering their time and wisdom to make these calls content-rich for parents coping with divorce-related issues. The teleseminars cover topics from deciding who to use for your divorce through parenting tips after divorce.
The campaign was quite successful and welcomes feedback from parents on any of the teleseminar material or gifts received during National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Our goal is helping parents transition through and beyond divorce in the best possible way for the well-being of their children. Educated parents make wiser decisions that lessen the negative impact of divorce on the family.
We care and we’re here to help!
Parents were invited to receive a host of useful free gifts from divorce experts throughout North America. The gifts included complimentary coaching sessions, ebooks on topics related to divorce and families, audio seminars and more.
In addition, divorce attorneys, mediators, financial analysts, coaches, authors and other professionals shared their expertise through a series of free teleseminars offered weekly during July. I'm making the links to the audio recordings of the teleseminars available to any divorced parents and professionals who didn’t hear them the first time around.
The teleseminar titles are listed below:
July 8: Finding the “gift” in Your Divorce
July 14: Creating a win/win Child-Centered Divorce
July 21: Healthy Transitioning Beyond Divorce
July 28: Keys to Making Sound Divorce Decisions
To access all the replays, you can send me an email at divorcepro@gmail.com with Replay Links in the subject line and she will send the four links via email.
This material is excellent and will be of great value to any parent who cares about the effects of divorce on their children. We had an exceptional team of knowledgeable and compassionate experts volunteering their time and wisdom to make these calls content-rich for parents coping with divorce-related issues. The teleseminars cover topics from deciding who to use for your divorce through parenting tips after divorce.
The campaign was quite successful and welcomes feedback from parents on any of the teleseminar material or gifts received during National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Our goal is helping parents transition through and beyond divorce in the best possible way for the well-being of their children. Educated parents make wiser decisions that lessen the negative impact of divorce on the family.
We care and we’re here to help!
Saturday, July 11, 2009
Free Divorce Teleseminar Series in July
National Child-Centered Divorce Month
Free Teleseminar Series - July 2009
7:00 pm Eastern / 4:00 pm Pacific time
(Audio links will be available for all who miss a call)
July 8: Finding the “gift” in your divorce
Susan Allan
Jeffrey Malone
Carolyn Ellis
Can there be a “gift” for you and your children in your divorce? Rather than staying stuck in the pain, can we learn to transform adversity into opportunity? Can we use divorce to heal our wounds and help us develop into more loving, aware beings? Join three divorce experts -- Certified Mediator and Divorce Coach Susan Allan, author and founder of Thrive After Divorce Carolyn Ellis and Certified Master Integrative Coach Jeffrey Malone – as they discuss how to move beyond your divorce in the most conscious way as a positive role model for your children.
July 14: Creating a win/win Child-Centered Divorce
Michael Mastracci
Cynthia Tiano
Cindy Harari
Rosalind Sedacca
Are there alternatives to battling through divorce? Join former “killer” divorce attorney turned mediator, Cynthia Tiano, along with Collaborative attorney Michael Mastracci, Mediator and Parenting Coordinator Cindy Harari and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, Rosalind Sedacca – all authors of dynamic books on creating a “peaceful” divorce model for the sake of the kids – as they share their perspectives on working with or around the divorce legal system to create the best outcome for your family during and after divorce.
July 21: Healthy transitioning beyond divorce
Laura Campbell
Amy Botwinick
Belinda Rachman
What are the consequences of divorce done wrong? How do your divorce decisions affect the well-being of your children in the months and years ahead? Peaceful Divorce Mediator Belinda Rachman joins Divorce & Life Transition Coach Laura Campbell and author Amy Botwinick as they discuss strategies for moving through and then beyond divorce with dignity, self-esteem and a positive perspective for your future and your children’s.
July 28: Keys to making sound divorce decisions
Lisa Decker
Christina Rowe
Michelle Muncy
Divorce can be very costly – both physically and emotionally. Join author and divorced mother of four Christina Rowe, founder of ChildSharing, Michelle Muncy and Divorce Financial Analyst, Lisa Decker as they share insights about pro-actively planning your divorce to avoid the pitfalls of financial and psychological devastation – for you and your children. Learn the success strategies for creating a win-win divorce before signing on the dotted line – and for the months and years that follow.
To register visit www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.
Free Teleseminar Series - July 2009
7:00 pm Eastern / 4:00 pm Pacific time
(Audio links will be available for all who miss a call)
July 8: Finding the “gift” in your divorce
Susan Allan
Jeffrey Malone
Carolyn Ellis
Can there be a “gift” for you and your children in your divorce? Rather than staying stuck in the pain, can we learn to transform adversity into opportunity? Can we use divorce to heal our wounds and help us develop into more loving, aware beings? Join three divorce experts -- Certified Mediator and Divorce Coach Susan Allan, author and founder of Thrive After Divorce Carolyn Ellis and Certified Master Integrative Coach Jeffrey Malone – as they discuss how to move beyond your divorce in the most conscious way as a positive role model for your children.
July 14: Creating a win/win Child-Centered Divorce
Michael Mastracci
Cynthia Tiano
Cindy Harari
Rosalind Sedacca
Are there alternatives to battling through divorce? Join former “killer” divorce attorney turned mediator, Cynthia Tiano, along with Collaborative attorney Michael Mastracci, Mediator and Parenting Coordinator Cindy Harari and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, Rosalind Sedacca – all authors of dynamic books on creating a “peaceful” divorce model for the sake of the kids – as they share their perspectives on working with or around the divorce legal system to create the best outcome for your family during and after divorce.
July 21: Healthy transitioning beyond divorce
Laura Campbell
Amy Botwinick
Belinda Rachman
What are the consequences of divorce done wrong? How do your divorce decisions affect the well-being of your children in the months and years ahead? Peaceful Divorce Mediator Belinda Rachman joins Divorce & Life Transition Coach Laura Campbell and author Amy Botwinick as they discuss strategies for moving through and then beyond divorce with dignity, self-esteem and a positive perspective for your future and your children’s.
July 28: Keys to making sound divorce decisions
Lisa Decker
Christina Rowe
Michelle Muncy
Divorce can be very costly – both physically and emotionally. Join author and divorced mother of four Christina Rowe, founder of ChildSharing, Michelle Muncy and Divorce Financial Analyst, Lisa Decker as they share insights about pro-actively planning your divorce to avoid the pitfalls of financial and psychological devastation – for you and your children. Learn the success strategies for creating a win-win divorce before signing on the dotted line – and for the months and years that follow.
To register visit www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Rosalind Sedacca and other Divorce Experts Providing Free Gifts for Parents During National Child-Centered Divorce Month
The third annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month is being launched with complimentary gifts for parents throughout the month of July.
Divorce book author, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month. “These weeks are dedicated to helping parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children during and after a divorce.”
To help spread the word throughout North America a group of leading divorce experts are providing free ebooks, coaching sessions and other complimentary gifts for divorcing and divorced parents throughout July.
Included among them are authors Rosalind Sedacca, Carolyn Ellis, Christina Rowe and Amy Botwinick … attorneys and mediators Richard Kularski and Cynthia Tiano … divorce financial analyst Lisa Decker … divorce coaches Susan Allan, Laura Campbell and Shelley Stiles … plus the founders of ChildSharing, Inc. and the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.
“Parenting is a life-long process, even when you get a divorce,” says Sedacca, author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! “We need to provide better resources and teach better coping skills to parents so they can understand the short- and long-term effects of divorce upon their children.”
Parents can access their divorce and parenting-related gifts by visiting http://www.ChildSharing.com/ChildCenteredDivorce where they can click on descriptions of each item as well as background information about each expert.
To help spread the word throughout North America a series of free teleseminars are also being offered for parents, educators and others who care about these issues. “Leading professionals within the “peaceful divorce” community will be presenting vital information parents can immediately put to use as they transition through and beyond divorce,” says Sedacca. The first free teleseminar will take place on Wednesday, July 8th at 7:00 pm EDT.
To learn more about the free teleseminar series and complimentary gifts connected with National Child-Centered Divorce Month visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com or www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.
Divorce book author, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month. “These weeks are dedicated to helping parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children during and after a divorce.”
To help spread the word throughout North America a group of leading divorce experts are providing free ebooks, coaching sessions and other complimentary gifts for divorcing and divorced parents throughout July.
Included among them are authors Rosalind Sedacca, Carolyn Ellis, Christina Rowe and Amy Botwinick … attorneys and mediators Richard Kularski and Cynthia Tiano … divorce financial analyst Lisa Decker … divorce coaches Susan Allan, Laura Campbell and Shelley Stiles … plus the founders of ChildSharing, Inc. and the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.
“Parenting is a life-long process, even when you get a divorce,” says Sedacca, author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! “We need to provide better resources and teach better coping skills to parents so they can understand the short- and long-term effects of divorce upon their children.”
Parents can access their divorce and parenting-related gifts by visiting http://www.ChildSharing.com/ChildCenteredDivorce where they can click on descriptions of each item as well as background information about each expert.
To help spread the word throughout North America a series of free teleseminars are also being offered for parents, educators and others who care about these issues. “Leading professionals within the “peaceful divorce” community will be presenting vital information parents can immediately put to use as they transition through and beyond divorce,” says Sedacca. The first free teleseminar will take place on Wednesday, July 8th at 7:00 pm EDT.
To learn more about the free teleseminar series and complimentary gifts connected with National Child-Centered Divorce Month visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com or www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.
Sunday, June 21, 2009
New Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills
A first-of-its-kind national poll to determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].
Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
Results:
Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people’s lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own” and “not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."
Methodology
During May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center]™ websites. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com, WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women, Kalon Women, and sent to more than 30 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children
The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization.
So what does this poll mean for those who provide services to divorcing couples? How can we help ease the emotional turmoil especially when children are involved? These are some of the questions we hope to discuss through interviews and the free teleseminar series taking place during National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July.
We encourage parent participation, media contact, questions and exploration of new alternatives available especially for parents as they move through the divorce maze.
To learn more about National Child-Centered Divorce Month contact Rosalind Sedacca at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.
1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?
Results:
Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).
The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people’s lives.
Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:
• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.
While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own” and “not growing old with my husband."
While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."
Methodology
During May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center]™ websites. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com, WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women, Kalon Women, and sent to more than 30 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.
About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children
The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization.
So what does this poll mean for those who provide services to divorcing couples? How can we help ease the emotional turmoil especially when children are involved? These are some of the questions we hope to discuss through interviews and the free teleseminar series taking place during National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July.
We encourage parent participation, media contact, questions and exploration of new alternatives available especially for parents as they move through the divorce maze.
To learn more about National Child-Centered Divorce Month contact Rosalind Sedacca at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Professional Divorce Community Planning 3rd Annual National Child-Centered Divorce Month
National Child-Centered Divorce Month
bringing attention to children’s needs
when parents divorce or separate
The third annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month will take place in July throughout the United States. The month is dedicated to alerting parents about the consequences their behaviors and decisions have upon their children during and after a divorce. Professionals who share these concerns, including therapists, attorneys, mediators, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and others, will be joining forces to share their insights about one key message all divorcing parents need to understand: Regardless of your own emotional state, it is essential to put your children's needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation.
National Child-Centered Divorce Month was initiated by author Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, a certified corporate trainer recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. Sedacca has created a Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents and works closely with a broad group of therapists, attorneys, mediators, divorce coaches, educators, financial planners and other professionals. All are focused on providing ways to create the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.
“I am passionate about enlisting the nation’s legal, therapeutic and educational communities to bring a heightened awareness to parents about their responsibility to their children’s well-being before, during and after divorce,” says Sedacca, who is the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! “We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect their children – for years – and often for a lifetime.”
Professionals around the nation will be announcing free teleseminars, workshops, discussion groups, coaching and other activities of an educational and motivational nature for divorced parents and those contemplating divorce.
Parents and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can get involved through a number of resources that will be participating and posting relevant information and press releases. These include:
• www.childcentereddivorce.com
• www.childcentereddivorce.blogspot.com
• www.childsharing.com
• www.peacefuldivorce.ning.com
• www.divorceaxis.com
• www.changecoachshelley.com
The goal, according to Sedacca, is to unite and then spread the word that “when parents divorce, their children need them more than ever. Don't let them down.”
For more information about Child-Centered Divorce Month in July contact Rosalind directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit her website at: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com where she provides free articles, her blog, free ezine and many useful resources for parents transitioning through divorce and beyond. Scroll to the bottom of the Home page for updates.
bringing attention to children’s needs
when parents divorce or separate
The third annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month will take place in July throughout the United States. The month is dedicated to alerting parents about the consequences their behaviors and decisions have upon their children during and after a divorce. Professionals who share these concerns, including therapists, attorneys, mediators, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and others, will be joining forces to share their insights about one key message all divorcing parents need to understand: Regardless of your own emotional state, it is essential to put your children's needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation.
National Child-Centered Divorce Month was initiated by author Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, a certified corporate trainer recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. Sedacca has created a Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents and works closely with a broad group of therapists, attorneys, mediators, divorce coaches, educators, financial planners and other professionals. All are focused on providing ways to create the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.
“I am passionate about enlisting the nation’s legal, therapeutic and educational communities to bring a heightened awareness to parents about their responsibility to their children’s well-being before, during and after divorce,” says Sedacca, who is the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! “We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect their children – for years – and often for a lifetime.”
Professionals around the nation will be announcing free teleseminars, workshops, discussion groups, coaching and other activities of an educational and motivational nature for divorced parents and those contemplating divorce.
Parents and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can get involved through a number of resources that will be participating and posting relevant information and press releases. These include:
• www.childcentereddivorce.com
• www.childcentereddivorce.blogspot.com
• www.childsharing.com
• www.peacefuldivorce.ning.com
• www.divorceaxis.com
• www.changecoachshelley.com
The goal, according to Sedacca, is to unite and then spread the word that “when parents divorce, their children need them more than ever. Don't let them down.”
For more information about Child-Centered Divorce Month in July contact Rosalind directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit her website at: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com where she provides free articles, her blog, free ezine and many useful resources for parents transitioning through divorce and beyond. Scroll to the bottom of the Home page for updates.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Participation in Natl Child-Centered Divorce Month in July
I've been working hard regarding plans for launching the 3rd annual National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July. I value your feedback, suggestions and media connections.
We want to send press releases, schedule telesemianrs and workshops, write articles, do interviews and create as much attention as possible in the next two months focusing on issues related to divorce and parenting.
What changes would we like to see in the legal system?
How can divorce professionals work together to make positive changes?
What can we ask divorced parents to do differently and better on behalf of their children?
How can we enlist the help of the media in spreading the word about issues that need to be addressed?
How can educators, therapists and the clergy team with us on behalf of divorced children?
Do you have other questions or ideas? Now's the time to start the dialogue!
I look forward to hearing from you all!
Let's not waste this opportunity to get our voices heard in every municipality throughout the US -- and beyond.
Many thanks,
Rosalind
We want to send press releases, schedule telesemianrs and workshops, write articles, do interviews and create as much attention as possible in the next two months focusing on issues related to divorce and parenting.
What changes would we like to see in the legal system?
How can divorce professionals work together to make positive changes?
What can we ask divorced parents to do differently and better on behalf of their children?
How can we enlist the help of the media in spreading the word about issues that need to be addressed?
How can educators, therapists and the clergy team with us on behalf of divorced children?
Do you have other questions or ideas? Now's the time to start the dialogue!
I look forward to hearing from you all!
Let's not waste this opportunity to get our voices heard in every municipality throughout the US -- and beyond.
Many thanks,
Rosalind
Saturday, May 9, 2009
4 Divorce Don'ts When Telling Your Kids!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Preparing to break the news to your kids that you’re divorcing their other parent? Feeling insecure about how to broach the subject? Wondering how much to share? How your children will react? How to handle their questions? How to deal with your special circumstances? What the experts suggest?
Well you’re not alone.
Talking about divorce to your children is tough. You don’t want to make mistakes you will regret.
There are many common mistakes parents make at this time. Learn four of the most important ones so you can avoid them.
* Pressuring children to make choices. Most kids feel torn when asked to choose between their parents. Don’t put them in that position.
* Neglecting to tell your kids that they are not at fault. Don’t assume your children understand that they are victims in your divorce. Remind them frequently that they bare no blame in any way related to your divorce – even and especially if you are fighting with their other parent about them.
* Sharing information only adults should be aware of. Parents often do this to bond with their children or try to win them over. It creates a burden that children shouldn’t have to bare. Talk to adults about adult issues.
* Using your children as spies. Don’t ask and expect your kids to tell you secrets about their other parent’s life and home. It makes them feel uncomfortable and puts enormous pressure on them. They’ll resent you for it.
Fortunately you can reach out to many different professionals to help you if you’re not positive about how best to approach your children. Speak to a divorce mediator or see a therapist who specializes in this subject. Find an attorney who practices Collaborative Law which will result in more positive, cooperative outcomes. Seek the advice of parenting coaches, school counselors, clergy and other professionals. Don’t forget the many valuable books and articles on this topic.
Whatever you do, prepare yourself in advance when talking to your children. Be aware of the impact of your words on their innocent psyches. Avoid the mistakes we have discussed. Think before you leap and give your family a sound foundation on which to face the changes ahead with security, compassion and love.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar
facilitator, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your
Children – with Love! To learn more about the ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, free ezine and other
valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
Preparing to break the news to your kids that you’re divorcing their other parent? Feeling insecure about how to broach the subject? Wondering how much to share? How your children will react? How to handle their questions? How to deal with your special circumstances? What the experts suggest?
Well you’re not alone.
Talking about divorce to your children is tough. You don’t want to make mistakes you will regret.
There are many common mistakes parents make at this time. Learn four of the most important ones so you can avoid them.
* Pressuring children to make choices. Most kids feel torn when asked to choose between their parents. Don’t put them in that position.
* Neglecting to tell your kids that they are not at fault. Don’t assume your children understand that they are victims in your divorce. Remind them frequently that they bare no blame in any way related to your divorce – even and especially if you are fighting with their other parent about them.
* Sharing information only adults should be aware of. Parents often do this to bond with their children or try to win them over. It creates a burden that children shouldn’t have to bare. Talk to adults about adult issues.
* Using your children as spies. Don’t ask and expect your kids to tell you secrets about their other parent’s life and home. It makes them feel uncomfortable and puts enormous pressure on them. They’ll resent you for it.
Fortunately you can reach out to many different professionals to help you if you’re not positive about how best to approach your children. Speak to a divorce mediator or see a therapist who specializes in this subject. Find an attorney who practices Collaborative Law which will result in more positive, cooperative outcomes. Seek the advice of parenting coaches, school counselors, clergy and other professionals. Don’t forget the many valuable books and articles on this topic.
Whatever you do, prepare yourself in advance when talking to your children. Be aware of the impact of your words on their innocent psyches. Avoid the mistakes we have discussed. Think before you leap and give your family a sound foundation on which to face the changes ahead with security, compassion and love.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, Certified Corporate Trainer and relationship seminar
facilitator, is the author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids …
about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your
Children – with Love! To learn more about the ebook, visit http://www.howdoitellthekids.com. For free articles, free ezine and other
valuable resources for parents, visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
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