Friday, November 13, 2009

How to Overcome Holiday Depression During and After Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Thanksgiving, Christmas – most any holiday -- can bring up painful memories of happier times, especially if you are divorced and have children. But keep in mind that with the pain comes a choice. You can choose to acknowledge the past for what it was. You can value the good times you might have had together. Then you can choose to move on and let go.

If you don’t, you will likely get stuck tormenting yourself with the "shoulds." We should still be a family today. He should be ashamed of what he's doing to us. She shouldn’t be able to have the kids on Christmas Day. I should be over this by now. It should be easier for me to move on – but it isn't. You get the idea.

Use this holiday season as a marker for starting a new mindset for yourself. You are creating a future that will be as positive for you as you allow it to be. Close the door to what was so you can open the door to brighter tomorrows – for yourself and your children. This holiday season and the ones to come can be weeks of great celebration for you if you start planting the seeds in your mind today.

Here are some useful tips for creating a positive mindset for the holidays.

Be your own best friend:

Divorce and its related stressors can take its toll on your self-esteem. It’s easy to start falling into cycles of despair, fear, anxiety and depression fueled by messages such as “who’s going to want me now?” or “how can I cope with all this pressure in my life?” This can certainly compound over the holidays, which add another layer of stress to family life. Use this time to celebrate you and starting a new chapter in your life. Look ahead to reinventing yourself in ways you’ve always wanted – and acknowledging yourself for assets you have that can be further explored. Take time to laugh and indulge in some holiday spirit. It’s good medicine for you and the children you love.

Focus on lifting the spirits of others:

Gratitude is a mindset that reminds us of our blessings. Do you have a loving relationship with your children? Do you have your health, a roof over your head, the income to purchase a few holiday gifts? Many people are not so fortunate. Be grateful for your blessings, share a smile or kind gesture with others, volunteer for the less fortunate and you will be rewarded in ways you never expected – physically, emotionally and spiritually!

Integrate – don’t isolate:

Take advantage of this social season to circulate and re-connect with family and friends. Plan some small gatherings with those you care about and accept a few invitations to get out and meet other people. Limit your “pity party” time to an hour or two. Then pick yourself up and get back into life. You’ll be surprised by the support systems available to you. You will also find that you are not alone in the post-divorce emotions and challenges you are experiencing. Be receptive to help and it will come to you.

Initiate New Holiday Traditions:

Remembering holiday traditions of the past can set you into a downward cycle and negatively affect your children, as well. This is the time to develop new ways of celebrating the holidays that you and your children can cherish and enjoy together. Perhaps it’s a special trip, celebrating with new friends and neighbors, attending special holiday events in your community or place of worship. Encourage your co-parent to do the same when the kids are with them, so that they have something to look forward to in each home.

Use this time of the year as the emotional starting point for bringing into focus the “you” you’ve always wanted to be. Visualize the future you desire. Make commitments to positive changes in your thoughts, habits and actions. By doing this, every year to come around holiday time you will be re-energized with positive appreciation rather than brought down by sadness and despair. The choice is yours. Embrace this season as the start of wonderful things to come and you’ll have much to celebrate in your future!

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, her free articles and ezine, child-centered divorce coaching and other resources for parents, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Mackenzie Phillips, Child Abuse and Divorce


Thank you, Belinda, for your sane commentary on this disturbing subject. It is so important for adults to wake up and recognize the symptoms of children acting out, whether as a consequence of a divorce gone wrong, abusive parenting, sexual abuse by a trusted adult or other destructive behaviors. When we compound the abuse by not acknowledging it, disregarding its effects or shaming the victim, the poison spreads, infecting generation after generation of innocent children and young adults.

It is very sad to hear Mackenzie's story. It would be even sadder if we don't learn some major lessons from this and realize that there is always an underlying reason why children act out.
Read the Article at HuffingtonPost

Thursday, September 3, 2009

After Divorce: 4 Ways to Ease Between-Home Transitions for Your Kids

During divorce proceedings parenting plans or contact schedules are usually established to create a semblance of routine in this new chapter of family life. I am a strong believer in co-parenting whenever possible to serve the best interest of your children. But it’s the reality of post-divorce daily life that puts everyone to the test.

Here are 4 ways to ease the process for everyone involved.

1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-homes transition will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Also allow your children time to adjust to the “new” home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another “routine.”

2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details in front of your children. Have a calendar or other device available some you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Create a system for creating and confirming schedule data -- and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you’re both alone at another time.

3. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent’s house. They fear you’ll feel lonely or abandoned. It’s important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some “alone” time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!

4. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent -- and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can’t invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them – and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?

If you keep these points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities – sharing time with your children – a smooth and pleasant reality. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning. So why choose any other plan?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Consistent Co-Parenting a Huge Benefit to Kids after Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Parenting after divorce takes patience, cooperation and collaboration. It’s not uncommon for one parent to notice behavior differences in their children when they return from a stay with their other parent. This can be extremely frustrating or irritating, especially if your values and parenting style doesn’t match that of your former spouse.

What can you do to remedy the situation? Try having a conversation about how inconsistencies affect your children after divorce – and see if you can come to a better understanding.

Consistency in parenting creates the smoothest transition after divorce – and in the years that follow. If the rules previously established in your home are still followed by both parents after the divorce, the children are likely to more easily adjust to the new transitions in their life. In families where Mom and Dad dramatically disagree about significant parenting decisions, the consequences can be disturbing and sometimes dangerous. Differing values regarding discipline, curfews, homework, eating habits, after school activities, etc. can create confusion in your children and major conflicts between Mom and Dad. Children can pay the price emotionally – and are also likely to take advantage of the parental rift in many destructive ways. When they play Mom against Dad everyone looses and the kids especially lose the security and continuity of effective parenting.

With this in mind, strike up a conversation with your ex and discuss ways in which you can agree on some rules in both houses. Don’t point fingers and put your ex on the defensive with blame or shame. Focus instead on the benefits to your children when they experience consistency and agreement between their parents.
If you can’t find a place of agreement, try to let go and accept the disparities rather than creating more tension in your relationship. Children will adapt to differences in Mom and Dad’s homes and come to accept that as reality. While they may act out more and take advantage of your lack of agreement and continuity between homes, they will survive. Trust that in time they often come to appreciate your values and the fact that you’ve stuck to them. Often as adults they will acknowledge you for the very rules that they most rebelled against.

We demand a lot from children when they move from home to home as we try to co-parent after divorce. For that reason give your kids some slack. Allow the time to transition back into your home after an away-stay with their other parent. Remind them gently about the way we do things in your house and don’t jump on them for infringements in the first hours after their return.

Remember they didn’t ask for your divorce and as hard as any of this is on you, it’s that much more difficult for them – physically as well as emotionally.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching services and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.

Sunday, August 2, 2009

Child-Centered Divorce Month Divorce Experts Lent a Helping Hand to Families in Need

I'm thrilled to announce to you that July was a valuable month of insights and education for the parents who participated in the activities presented during National Child-Centered Divorce Month.

Parents were invited to receive a host of useful free gifts from divorce experts throughout North America. The gifts included complimentary coaching sessions, ebooks on topics related to divorce and families, audio seminars and more.

In addition, divorce attorneys, mediators, financial analysts, coaches, authors and other professionals shared their expertise through a series of free teleseminars offered weekly during July. I'm making the links to the audio recordings of the teleseminars available to any divorced parents and professionals who didn’t hear them the first time around.

The teleseminar titles are listed below:

July 8: Finding the “gift” in Your Divorce
July 14: Creating a win/win Child-Centered Divorce
July 21: Healthy Transitioning Beyond Divorce
July 28: Keys to Making Sound Divorce Decisions

To access all the replays, you can send me an email at divorcepro@gmail.com with Replay Links in the subject line and she will send the four links via email.

This material is excellent and will be of great value to any parent who cares about the effects of divorce on their children. We had an exceptional team of knowledgeable and compassionate experts volunteering their time and wisdom to make these calls content-rich for parents coping with divorce-related issues. The teleseminars cover topics from deciding who to use for your divorce through parenting tips after divorce.

The campaign was quite successful and welcomes feedback from parents on any of the teleseminar material or gifts received during National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Our goal is helping parents transition through and beyond divorce in the best possible way for the well-being of their children. Educated parents make wiser decisions that lessen the negative impact of divorce on the family.

We care and we’re here to help!

Saturday, July 11, 2009

Free Divorce Teleseminar Series in July

National Child-Centered Divorce Month

Free Teleseminar Series - July 2009

7:00 pm Eastern / 4:00 pm Pacific time


(Audio links will be available for all who miss a call)

July 8: Finding the “gift” in your divorce

Susan Allan
Jeffrey Malone
Carolyn Ellis

Can there be a “gift” for you and your children in your divorce? Rather than staying stuck in the pain, can we learn to transform adversity into opportunity? Can we use divorce to heal our wounds and help us develop into more loving, aware beings? Join three divorce experts -- Certified Mediator and Divorce Coach Susan Allan, author and founder of Thrive After Divorce Carolyn Ellis and Certified Master Integrative Coach Jeffrey Malone – as they discuss how to move beyond your divorce in the most conscious way as a positive role model for your children.

July 14: Creating a win/win Child-Centered Divorce

Michael Mastracci
Cynthia Tiano
Cindy Harari
Rosalind Sedacca

Are there alternatives to battling through divorce? Join former “killer” divorce attorney turned mediator, Cynthia Tiano, along with Collaborative attorney Michael Mastracci, Mediator and Parenting Coordinator Cindy Harari and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, Rosalind Sedacca – all authors of dynamic books on creating a “peaceful” divorce model for the sake of the kids – as they share their perspectives on working with or around the divorce legal system to create the best outcome for your family during and after divorce.

July 21: Healthy transitioning beyond divorce

Laura Campbell
Amy Botwinick
Belinda Rachman

What are the consequences of divorce done wrong? How do your divorce decisions affect the well-being of your children in the months and years ahead? Peaceful Divorce Mediator Belinda Rachman joins Divorce & Life Transition Coach Laura Campbell and author Amy Botwinick as they discuss strategies for moving through and then beyond divorce with dignity, self-esteem and a positive perspective for your future and your children’s.

July 28: Keys to making sound divorce decisions

Lisa Decker
Christina Rowe
Michelle Muncy

Divorce can be very costly – both physically and emotionally. Join author and divorced mother of four Christina Rowe, founder of ChildSharing, Michelle Muncy and Divorce Financial Analyst, Lisa Decker as they share insights about pro-actively planning your divorce to avoid the pitfalls of financial and psychological devastation – for you and your children. Learn the success strategies for creating a win-win divorce before signing on the dotted line – and for the months and years that follow.

To register visit www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Rosalind Sedacca and other Divorce Experts Providing Free Gifts for Parents During National Child-Centered Divorce Month

The third annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month is being launched with complimentary gifts for parents throughout the month of July.

Divorce book author, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month. “These weeks are dedicated to helping parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children during and after a divorce.”

To help spread the word throughout North America a group of leading divorce experts are providing free ebooks, coaching sessions and other complimentary gifts for divorcing and divorced parents throughout July.

Included among them are authors Rosalind Sedacca, Carolyn Ellis, Christina Rowe and Amy Botwinick … attorneys and mediators Richard Kularski and Cynthia Tiano … divorce financial analyst Lisa Decker … divorce coaches Susan Allan, Laura Campbell and Shelley Stiles … plus the founders of ChildSharing, Inc. and the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.

“Parenting is a life-long process, even when you get a divorce,” says Sedacca, author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! “We need to provide better resources and teach better coping skills to parents so they can understand the short- and long-term effects of divorce upon their children.”

Parents can access their divorce and parenting-related gifts by visiting http://www.ChildSharing.com/ChildCenteredDivorce where they can click on descriptions of each item as well as background information about each expert.

To help spread the word throughout North America a series of free teleseminars are also being offered for parents, educators and others who care about these issues. “Leading professionals within the “peaceful divorce” community will be presenting vital information parents can immediately put to use as they transition through and beyond divorce,” says Sedacca. The first free teleseminar will take place on Wednesday, July 8th at 7:00 pm EDT.

To learn more about the free teleseminar series and complimentary gifts connected with National Child-Centered Divorce Month visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com or www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.