By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Discipline is always a challenge for parents. Regardless of the age your child may be, they inevitably find ways to act out, challenge your authority and test the limits of their boundaries. Often these behaviors create tension and disagreements between Mom and Dad, which children are good at exploiting to their advantage. This, of course, is the time for Mom and Dad to forge a solid bond of agreement regarding their approach to discipline. If they do, the child is less likely to test the waters and more likely to alter their behavior into more appropriate channels.
When separation or divorce takes place, disciplining children can become even more difficult, especially if Mom and Dad are not on good terms regarding parenting their children. Parental discord can open the door for children to move into behavioral extremes, pitting you and your former spouse against each other. We've all seen the consequences when this occurs, and your children are definitely on the losing end.
Marriage and family counselor Dr. Paul Wanio (a contributor to my internationally acclaimed book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?) offers some sound advice on how to discipline your children without their developing a negative self-image. His suggestions include:
"Focus on limiting your child's behavior, but not your child's thoughts and feelings. If you do not allow your children the space to express who they are and how they feel about the subject at hand, they will repress the communication, but their resentment will incubate and grow.
"Remind your children that thoughts and feelings are not "bad," even when behavior is inappropriate. The difference is important for them to understand -- and for you to remember.
"Seek to influence thoughts, to understand and accept feelings and to improve their behavior. Making a conscious effort in this direction will bring rewards in terms of behavior changes and respect for you as a parent. This is obviously more difficult to do than it sounds, but it is definitely worth the effort. When children feel heard and accepted, they are much less likely to lash out at their parents, siblings, friends or school-mates.
"True discipline should not be thought of as punishment, but as a lesson to teach your child about Life. When you discipline from this mind-set, you will come from a supportive perspective and not get caught up in destructive behaviors yourself that come from vindictiveness and resentment."
Families that are dealing with divorce or separation need to pay particular attention to conscious disciplining. Children forced to handle the break-up of their family dynamic may be holding on to a broad range of feelings and thoughts that need to be expressed, accepted and influenced in a positive direction. I encourage parents to seek out the assistance of a counselor or other professional as soon as they sense any depression or other problem behaviors.
This is not a time to forego discipline, which is an essential part of the parenting process. It is a time to pay keen attention to your children to make sure they are moving through the challenges of "change" in their lives with age-appropriate acceptance and behaviors that fall within a normal range for your family.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, has been facilitating relationship seminars and workshops for more than fifteen years. As a Certified Corporate Trainer and professional speaker, she now focuses her attention on coaching troubled families on how to create a "child-centered divorce." For other free articles on this subject, to receive her free ezine, and/or to order her book, How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to preparing your children -- with Love! Rosalind invites you to visit her website, http://www.childcentereddivorce.com
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Sunday, July 11, 2010
During National Child-Centered Divorce Month parents get free ebooks, coaching, teleclasses & more!
During National Child-Centered Divorce Month - throughout July - gifts are being offer to help parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children's well-being during and after separation or divorce.
Divorce attorneys, mediators, therapists, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and other professionals concerned about the effects of divorce on children will be sharing their advice and insights on the topic throughout July. Their goal is to educate parents about the choices they do have before moving into divorce to prevent negative consequences for children of all ages.
During July parents are encouraged to visit a special web page at which they can download a variety of free ebooks, audio presentations, services and other gifts from divorce professionals throughout North America. They can also access a series of free teleclasses presented by "child-centered" divorce experts providing sound advice on divorce and parenting issues. The complimentary information will be available at www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.
In addition, divorce experts from coast to coast will also be announcing local educational events including teleseminars, workshops, discussion groups, coaching and other activities designed for divorced parents and those contemplating divorce.
As a divorced parent, divorce coach and author I initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month for parents and work closely with concerned divorce experts around the globe who are focused on providing ways to create the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.
My goal is to catch divorcing parents before they make mistakes they will regret when it comes to their children's emotional well-being. By bringing the nation's legal, therapeutic and educational communities together we can reach out through the media with messages designed to encourage peaceful divorce outcomes.
We want to discuss the painful consequences of parental alienation, encourage respectful co-parenting, teach effective communication skills, and guide parents away from litigation-based solutions. As many of you know, I am the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! My now grown son wrote the book's introduction. I am also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network which provides a free newsletter, articles and resources for parents at www.childcentereddivorce.com. We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect and scar our children – for years – and often for a lifetime.
Parents and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can get involved by contacting me through my Child-Centered Divorce Groups at Facebook and LinkedIn, which are free for parents and divorce professionals to join, or by visiting www.childcentereddivorce.com.
For more information about Child-Centered Divorce Month in July contact me directly at divorcepro@gmail.com or http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Scroll to the bottom of the Home page for updates. The gifts for parents during July can be found at:
http://www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce
Divorce attorneys, mediators, therapists, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and other professionals concerned about the effects of divorce on children will be sharing their advice and insights on the topic throughout July. Their goal is to educate parents about the choices they do have before moving into divorce to prevent negative consequences for children of all ages.
During July parents are encouraged to visit a special web page at which they can download a variety of free ebooks, audio presentations, services and other gifts from divorce professionals throughout North America. They can also access a series of free teleclasses presented by "child-centered" divorce experts providing sound advice on divorce and parenting issues. The complimentary information will be available at www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.
In addition, divorce experts from coast to coast will also be announcing local educational events including teleseminars, workshops, discussion groups, coaching and other activities designed for divorced parents and those contemplating divorce.
As a divorced parent, divorce coach and author I initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month for parents and work closely with concerned divorce experts around the globe who are focused on providing ways to create the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.
My goal is to catch divorcing parents before they make mistakes they will regret when it comes to their children's emotional well-being. By bringing the nation's legal, therapeutic and educational communities together we can reach out through the media with messages designed to encourage peaceful divorce outcomes.
We want to discuss the painful consequences of parental alienation, encourage respectful co-parenting, teach effective communication skills, and guide parents away from litigation-based solutions. As many of you know, I am the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! My now grown son wrote the book's introduction. I am also the founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network which provides a free newsletter, articles and resources for parents at www.childcentereddivorce.com. We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect and scar our children – for years – and often for a lifetime.
Parents and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can get involved by contacting me through my Child-Centered Divorce Groups at Facebook and LinkedIn, which are free for parents and divorce professionals to join, or by visiting www.childcentereddivorce.com.
For more information about Child-Centered Divorce Month in July contact me directly at divorcepro@gmail.com or http://www.childcentereddivorce.com. Scroll to the bottom of the Home page for updates. The gifts for parents during July can be found at:
http://www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce
Friday, June 25, 2010
Talking to Your Kids After Divorce Can be Tough – But Necessary!
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
As a divorced parent you can never pay too much attention to your communication skills with your children. It keeps the doors open to a healthier, more positive relationship with them. It makes you more sensitive to issues of concern early on so you can nip them in the bud. It encourages your children to talk about what they are feeling, questions they have and situations that are creating conflict for them.
Don’t sit down and say, let’s talk. Find comfortable times and places where conversation can flow naturally and easily. Then bring up related subjects in a casual way. Watching TV or movies at home can often be a catalyst for valuable conversation. Driving in the car together can also be a time of discussion, questions and sharing feelings.
Here are some tips that can help you ease into more productive communication with your kids.
· Asking why can be intimidating and close off your conversation. Instead ask what happened questions which keep the dialogue open.
· Be patient. Don’t react or respond until you get the full message. Sometimes it takes some meandering for your child to reach the crucial point of what they want to say. Don’t shut them off too soon!
· Remember that preaching, moralizing or “parenting” comments can put up barriers to clear communication. Listening is your most valuable skill and tool.
· Watch your judgments and put-downs, even with upsetting information. Don’t belittle your children, call them names or insult their behaviors. Talk to them – not at them! The difference is felt as respect.
· Acknowledge your children for coming to you. Praise their braveness. If you were at fault, apologize honestly and discuss how you can make changes for the future.
· Show that you accept and love them – even if their behaviors were not acceptable. Then help them come up with some acceptable solutions they can understand and feel good about.
Put yourself in your child’s place and you will likely make wiser decisions when it comes to talking about sensitive areas in their life. Afraid to talk about touchy subjects? Get some help from a counselor. It’s essential that you talk to your children and be role model for them. Don’t let them down!
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
As a divorced parent you can never pay too much attention to your communication skills with your children. It keeps the doors open to a healthier, more positive relationship with them. It makes you more sensitive to issues of concern early on so you can nip them in the bud. It encourages your children to talk about what they are feeling, questions they have and situations that are creating conflict for them.
Don’t sit down and say, let’s talk. Find comfortable times and places where conversation can flow naturally and easily. Then bring up related subjects in a casual way. Watching TV or movies at home can often be a catalyst for valuable conversation. Driving in the car together can also be a time of discussion, questions and sharing feelings.
Here are some tips that can help you ease into more productive communication with your kids.
· Asking why can be intimidating and close off your conversation. Instead ask what happened questions which keep the dialogue open.
· Be patient. Don’t react or respond until you get the full message. Sometimes it takes some meandering for your child to reach the crucial point of what they want to say. Don’t shut them off too soon!
· Remember that preaching, moralizing or “parenting” comments can put up barriers to clear communication. Listening is your most valuable skill and tool.
· Watch your judgments and put-downs, even with upsetting information. Don’t belittle your children, call them names or insult their behaviors. Talk to them – not at them! The difference is felt as respect.
· Acknowledge your children for coming to you. Praise their braveness. If you were at fault, apologize honestly and discuss how you can make changes for the future.
· Show that you accept and love them – even if their behaviors were not acceptable. Then help them come up with some acceptable solutions they can understand and feel good about.
Put yourself in your child’s place and you will likely make wiser decisions when it comes to talking about sensitive areas in their life. Afraid to talk about touchy subjects? Get some help from a counselor. It’s essential that you talk to your children and be role model for them. Don’t let them down!
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Make Smart Choices for Post-Divorce Co-Parenting Success
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
Divorce doesn’t end your co-parenting relationship with your former spouse. It only changes some of the form. It is still essential to create a working relationship focused on the optimum care and concern for your children. Every co-parenting relationship will be unique, affected by your post-divorce family dynamics. However, there are guidelines that will enhance the results for children in any family. Here are some crucial points to keep in mind to maximize your co-parenting success.
Respect your co-parent’s boundaries:
Chances are your former spouse has a different parenting style than you, with some conflicting rules. Rather than stress yourself about these differences, learn to accept that life is never consistent and it may actually be beneficial for your kids to experience other ways of doing things. Step back from micro-managing your co-parent’s life. If the kids aren’t in harm’s way, let go and focus on only the most serious issues before you take a stand.
Create routine co-parent check-ins:
The more co-parents communicate with one another about the children, the less likely for small issues to grow into major problems. Select days/times for phone, email or in-person visits. Discuss in advance visitation transfer agreements. List who’s responsible for what each day, week or month. Food, homework, curfews, health issues, allowances, school transportation, sport activities, play dates, holiday plans and more should be clearly agreed upon, when possible – or scheduled for further discussion. Once you have a clear parenting plan structured – follow it to the best of your ability. But allow for last-minute changes and special “favors” to facilitate cooperation.
Encourage your child’s co-parent relationship:
Regardless of your personal feelings about your ex, your children need a healthy connection with their other parent. Keep snide comments to yourself and don’t discuss your parenting frustrations with your children. Encourage your kids to maintain a caring, respectful relationship with their other parent. Remind them about Mom or Dad’s birthday and holiday gifts. Make time in the weekly schedule for phone calls, cards, email and letters to keep the children’s connection alive when your co-parent is at a distance. Your children will thank you when they grow up.
Be compassionate with your in-laws:
Remember that a Grandparent’s love doesn’t stop after divorce. If your children had a healthy bond with your former spouse’s extended family, don’t punish them by severing that connection. Children thrive on family attachments, holiday get-togethers and traditions they’ve come to love. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can be a great source of comfort to children during stressful times and a sense of continuity with the past. Dissolving those relationships is hurtful to both your children and the other family. Think long and hard before making such an emotionally damaging decision.
Above all, be flexible. When you allow calls from your co-parent when the kids are in your home, they will be more receptive to your calls when the tables are turned. Remember, you are still a parenting team working on behalf of your children. That commonality should enable you to overlook the thorns in your co-parenting relationship and focus on the flowering buds that are the children you are raising.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Her free articles, ezine, blog, coaching, teleseminars and other valuable resources for parents facing, moving through or transitioning after divorce can be found at: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Divorce doesn’t end your co-parenting relationship with your former spouse. It only changes some of the form. It is still essential to create a working relationship focused on the optimum care and concern for your children. Every co-parenting relationship will be unique, affected by your post-divorce family dynamics. However, there are guidelines that will enhance the results for children in any family. Here are some crucial points to keep in mind to maximize your co-parenting success.
Respect your co-parent’s boundaries:
Chances are your former spouse has a different parenting style than you, with some conflicting rules. Rather than stress yourself about these differences, learn to accept that life is never consistent and it may actually be beneficial for your kids to experience other ways of doing things. Step back from micro-managing your co-parent’s life. If the kids aren’t in harm’s way, let go and focus on only the most serious issues before you take a stand.
Create routine co-parent check-ins:
The more co-parents communicate with one another about the children, the less likely for small issues to grow into major problems. Select days/times for phone, email or in-person visits. Discuss in advance visitation transfer agreements. List who’s responsible for what each day, week or month. Food, homework, curfews, health issues, allowances, school transportation, sport activities, play dates, holiday plans and more should be clearly agreed upon, when possible – or scheduled for further discussion. Once you have a clear parenting plan structured – follow it to the best of your ability. But allow for last-minute changes and special “favors” to facilitate cooperation.
Encourage your child’s co-parent relationship:
Regardless of your personal feelings about your ex, your children need a healthy connection with their other parent. Keep snide comments to yourself and don’t discuss your parenting frustrations with your children. Encourage your kids to maintain a caring, respectful relationship with their other parent. Remind them about Mom or Dad’s birthday and holiday gifts. Make time in the weekly schedule for phone calls, cards, email and letters to keep the children’s connection alive when your co-parent is at a distance. Your children will thank you when they grow up.
Be compassionate with your in-laws:
Remember that a Grandparent’s love doesn’t stop after divorce. If your children had a healthy bond with your former spouse’s extended family, don’t punish them by severing that connection. Children thrive on family attachments, holiday get-togethers and traditions they’ve come to love. Grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins can be a great source of comfort to children during stressful times and a sense of continuity with the past. Dissolving those relationships is hurtful to both your children and the other family. Think long and hard before making such an emotionally damaging decision.
Above all, be flexible. When you allow calls from your co-parent when the kids are in your home, they will be more receptive to your calls when the tables are turned. Remember, you are still a parenting team working on behalf of your children. That commonality should enable you to overlook the thorns in your co-parenting relationship and focus on the flowering buds that are the children you are raising.
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a Certified Corporate Trainer, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network and author of the ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! Her free articles, ezine, blog, coaching, teleseminars and other valuable resources for parents facing, moving through or transitioning after divorce can be found at: www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
Friday, March 12, 2010
Telling the kids about your divorce? Avoid these mistakes!
Getting psyched up to tell your children about your pending divorce
-- or separation? Not sure what to say? When to say it? How to
say it? What to expect after the conversation? What to do next?
How do deal with your special circumstances? What therapists,
mediators, attorneys, clergy and other professionals suggest you do
and don't do to make things better all around? Well, you're not
alone.
Having the "divorce talk" with a child you love is one of the
toughest conversations you'll ever have. Shouldn't you be prepared?
Professionals all agree on some of the most common mistakes parents
make when bringing up divorce or separation. These include:
* asking children to bear the weight of making decisions or
choosing sides
* failing to remind children that none of this is in any way their
fault
* forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will still always be
their Mom and Dad -- even after divorce!
* confiding adult details to children in order to attract their
allegiance or sympathy
* neglecting to repeatedly remind children that they are safe,
innocent and very much loved
* failing to explain clearly that everything is going to be okay!
These are just some of the most common messages that parents fail
to convey because they're just not prepared -- and most probably
quite scared!
If you're about to tackle this tough conversation -- or you know
someone who is -- there's finally help you can depend on to
simplify the process. It’s an easy to read ebook titled, How Do I Tell the
Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide that
Prepares Your Children -- with Love! It provides an innovative
new concept I created, based on my own life experience. And, most
importantly, it works!
To learn more about this therapist-, attorney- and
mediator-endorsed guidebook for parents, click on the link below.
You'll get the whole story of how the easy-to-use template works,
how you and your children will benefit from this personalized family
storybook approach -- and much more. Most important of all, this
simple guidebook doesn't just tell you what to say -- it says it
for you! So you're sure to do it right, for the sake of your kids.
Visit here to learn more ...
http://www.howdoitellthekids.com
-- or separation? Not sure what to say? When to say it? How to
say it? What to expect after the conversation? What to do next?
How do deal with your special circumstances? What therapists,
mediators, attorneys, clergy and other professionals suggest you do
and don't do to make things better all around? Well, you're not
alone.
Having the "divorce talk" with a child you love is one of the
toughest conversations you'll ever have. Shouldn't you be prepared?
Professionals all agree on some of the most common mistakes parents
make when bringing up divorce or separation. These include:
* asking children to bear the weight of making decisions or
choosing sides
* failing to remind children that none of this is in any way their
fault
* forgetting to emphasize that Mom and Dad will still always be
their Mom and Dad -- even after divorce!
* confiding adult details to children in order to attract their
allegiance or sympathy
* neglecting to repeatedly remind children that they are safe,
innocent and very much loved
* failing to explain clearly that everything is going to be okay!
These are just some of the most common messages that parents fail
to convey because they're just not prepared -- and most probably
quite scared!
If you're about to tackle this tough conversation -- or you know
someone who is -- there's finally help you can depend on to
simplify the process. It’s an easy to read ebook titled, How Do I Tell the
Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide that
Prepares Your Children -- with Love! It provides an innovative
new concept I created, based on my own life experience. And, most
importantly, it works!
To learn more about this therapist-, attorney- and
mediator-endorsed guidebook for parents, click on the link below.
You'll get the whole story of how the easy-to-use template works,
how you and your children will benefit from this personalized family
storybook approach -- and much more. Most important of all, this
simple guidebook doesn't just tell you what to say -- it says it
for you! So you're sure to do it right, for the sake of your kids.
Visit here to learn more ...
http://www.howdoitellthekids.com
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Moving On After Divorce Takes Acceptance & Awareness
By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT
What’s holding you back from moving on after your divorce? Are there constructive steps you can take to transition into the better life you desire and certainly deserve? Here are some important points to consider and take action on which will enable you to create a healthier, more gratifying new chapter in your life – for you and your children.
LEARN TO LET GO
If you truly want to move on from your divorce you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit – not on behalf of your former spouse.
Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that’s painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children – if not for yourself – decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It’s not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?
FORGIVENESS
The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.
Next take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.
You are cutting the emotional chords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don’t you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Cut the chord and be free!
MAKE TIME FOR YOU!
One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga or meditation class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Start a craft or business enterprise that excites you. Make time for strolls in nature, physical exercise, watching your weight and diet. Treat yourself to a message or facial. Indulge when you can.
When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can’t be there for them if you’re not there for yourself to renew your spirits. It’s all part of the Child-Centered Divorce formula and it works if you play your part.
Do the best you can. Be the best parent you can be. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You’re not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!
HANDLE YOUR CONFLICTS
Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.
When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.
It’s a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.
Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to “win” the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on.
Bonus Step: TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
Dr. Phil often says, “Every relationship needs a hero.” Be the one who can step up and look beyond the ego gratification of being right, winning the battle or getting your way. Why? Because it will be in the best interest of your children for you to minimize conflict as quickly and smoothly as possible.
That doesn’t mean you become a door-mat. Stand up for your values and make your points. If concession won’t be harming your children’s overall well-being, consider whether you can let go. It’s not about being “right.” It’s about being the best parent for the kids you love.
If you must stand firm, do it without ego interference or “I told you so” put downs. Make your points objectively. Use “I” language – stating your feelings as yours. Avoid “you” language that’s insulting or insensitive. It rarely gets you where you want to go – to the place that best supports your children’s authentic needs.
It takes a mature, aware adult to take the high road when a conflict is taking place. Be that person. By modeling maturity you are laying the foundation for your ex, in-laws and others in your life to respond on a higher level. Be a catalyst for behavior you can be proud of. In the future your children will remember who behaved as an adult and made them feel secure, protected and loved. They’ll acknowledge you for it. Wait and see!
* * *
Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching, parenting resources and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
What’s holding you back from moving on after your divorce? Are there constructive steps you can take to transition into the better life you desire and certainly deserve? Here are some important points to consider and take action on which will enable you to create a healthier, more gratifying new chapter in your life – for you and your children.
LEARN TO LET GO
If you truly want to move on from your divorce you must learn to let go of negative emotions that hold you hostage. These include anger, resentment, blame, jealousy, hatred and anxiety. Of course, there is a time and place for experiencing those emotions. Feel them; mourn the dream that turned sour. Then make a decision to let them go. Do this for your benefit – not on behalf of your former spouse.
Negative emotions can hold you in limbo and suck the life out of you. You get stuck in a place that’s painful to experience and it makes you unpleasant to be around. For the sake of your children – if not for yourself – decide to let it all go. Determine to move on. It’s not always easy to do, but the contrast of living in your pain is not an easy place to be either. Which state would you prefer?
FORGIVENESS
The big step after letting go of your negative emotions is learning to forgive. This starts with you. Forgive any mistakes you made related to your marriage or divorce. Forgive your poor choices, immaturity or naivety. Acknowledge yourself as someone who is open to personal growth, change and transformation. Feel your worth and start doing things that express self-love.
Next take the big step to forgive your ex. This does not mean condoning their actions or hurtful behavior. It means you are determined not to let it affect you any longer.
You are cutting the emotional chords that bind you and keep you from enjoying the new possibilities in your life. Behind forgiveness is freedom. Don’t you want to be free of the pain, hurt, insecurity and rage that previously had power over you? Cut the chord and be free!
MAKE TIME FOR YOU!
One of the healthiest things you can do in creating a positive attitude is making time for you! This is a gift that pays off on many levels in your life. Think about reinventing yourself in new ways that excite you. Take a yoga or meditation class. Pursue a new hobby. Volunteer at an animal shelter. Start a craft or business enterprise that excites you. Make time for strolls in nature, physical exercise, watching your weight and diet. Treat yourself to a message or facial. Indulge when you can.
When you nurture yourself, you can then give your children your total attention when you are with them. During and after divorce your kids need you more than ever. You can’t be there for them if you’re not there for yourself to renew your spirits. It’s all part of the Child-Centered Divorce formula and it works if you play your part.
Do the best you can. Be the best parent you can be. Take it day by day. If you need help, reach out for it without embarrassment or shame. You’re not alone. And the help you need is out there for you!
HANDLE YOUR CONFLICTS
Disagreements are inevitable between divorced parents from time to time. Develop good communication skills and you will minimize the damage that results.
When a conflict with your ex arises, be a good listener. Most disagreements come about from misunderstanding. Clarify what you heard to make sure that was the intention. Often one of you made an assumption that was erroneous and feelings got hurt.
It’s a good idea to get into the habit of paraphrasing what you think they said and ask for clarity. Apologize if you made an error or omission. Be understanding if your ex made the error. Try not to put them on the defensive or jump to negative conclusions.
Find a middle ground that you both can live with. Trade off getting to “win” the discussion or issue at hand. Agree to disagree if necessary. Learn to move on.
Bonus Step: TAKE THE HIGH ROAD
Dr. Phil often says, “Every relationship needs a hero.” Be the one who can step up and look beyond the ego gratification of being right, winning the battle or getting your way. Why? Because it will be in the best interest of your children for you to minimize conflict as quickly and smoothly as possible.
That doesn’t mean you become a door-mat. Stand up for your values and make your points. If concession won’t be harming your children’s overall well-being, consider whether you can let go. It’s not about being “right.” It’s about being the best parent for the kids you love.
If you must stand firm, do it without ego interference or “I told you so” put downs. Make your points objectively. Use “I” language – stating your feelings as yours. Avoid “you” language that’s insulting or insensitive. It rarely gets you where you want to go – to the place that best supports your children’s authentic needs.
It takes a mature, aware adult to take the high road when a conflict is taking place. Be that person. By modeling maturity you are laying the foundation for your ex, in-laws and others in your life to respond on a higher level. Be a catalyst for behavior you can be proud of. In the future your children will remember who behaved as an adult and made them feel secure, protected and loved. They’ll acknowledge you for it. Wait and see!
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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching, parenting resources and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.
© Rosalind Sedacca All rights reserved.
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