After Divorce: 4 Ways to Ease Between-Home Transitions for Your Kids

During divorce proceedings parenting plans or contact schedules are usually established to create a semblance of routine in this new chapter of family life. I am a strong believer in co-parenting whenever possible to serve the best interest of your children. But it’s the reality of post-divorce daily life that puts everyone to the test.

Here are 4 ways to ease the process for everyone involved.

1. Be patient with one another. Starting any new schedule in life is never easy. Chances are the between-homes transition will present a number of challenges for you as you adapt to the many responsibilities involved. At the same time, think about the challenges for your children who never signed on for this. Be especially empathic with them if they express frustration, anger and resentment at first. Also allow your children time to adjust to the “new” home after each transition. In time these changes will become just another “routine.”

2. Be prepared with all information in advance. Never argue or have disagreements over drop-off and pick-up details in front of your children. Have a calendar or other device available some you and the kids can see at a glance when transitions will occur. Create a system for creating and confirming schedule data -- and use it. Know the answers before leaving home. Keep drop offs quick, simple and pleasant for the kids. Create a brief goodbye routine and send them on their way with a hug and a smile. If there are issues to discuss, talk to your ex when you’re both alone at another time.

3. Be pleasant and positive. Some children feel guilty about staying at the other parent’s house. They fear you’ll feel lonely or abandoned. It’s important to give your children permission to enjoy themselves and their time with Dad or Mom. Tell them you have much to do and will appreciate some “alone” time. Remind them you will also miss them and look forward to their return. In advance, talk to them about the fun they will have and how much their other parent wants to see them, as well. Let them know both Mom and Dad love them and deserve time with them. Never say disrespectful things about your ex before the visit or ask them to spy on your behalf. Let your children enjoy just being kids!

4. Be cooperative, flexible and understanding. Allow your children to feel free to contact their other parent -- and let that parent contact them when necessary. Never create the feeling that their Mom or Dad is the enemy who can’t invade on YOUR time with the kids. Be respectful when you do check in with them – and allow the same courtesy to your ex. That is what co-parenting is all about. Sometimes plans change. Bend over backwards to accommodate your ex and more than likely they will do the same for you. This models behavior you want your children to learn anyway. Why not take the high road and be the parent you want your children to admire and emulate?

If you keep these points in mind, you will be on your way to creating and living the child-centered divorce you want for your children. You have the power to make one of the most challenging post-divorce realities – sharing time with your children – a smooth and pleasant reality. You will all benefit from the effort you make to do it right from the very beginning. So why choose any other plan?

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT is a relationship seminar facilitator and author of the new ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids … about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! For free articles, her blog, valuable resources on child-centered divorce or to subscribe to her free ezine, go to: www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Consistent Co-Parenting a Huge Benefit to Kids after Divorce

By Rosalind Sedacca, CCT

Parenting after divorce takes patience, cooperation and collaboration. It’s not uncommon for one parent to notice behavior differences in their children when they return from a stay with their other parent. This can be extremely frustrating or irritating, especially if your values and parenting style doesn’t match that of your former spouse.

What can you do to remedy the situation? Try having a conversation about how inconsistencies affect your children after divorce – and see if you can come to a better understanding.

Consistency in parenting creates the smoothest transition after divorce – and in the years that follow. If the rules previously established in your home are still followed by both parents after the divorce, the children are likely to more easily adjust to the new transitions in their life. In families where Mom and Dad dramatically disagree about significant parenting decisions, the consequences can be disturbing and sometimes dangerous. Differing values regarding discipline, curfews, homework, eating habits, after school activities, etc. can create confusion in your children and major conflicts between Mom and Dad. Children can pay the price emotionally – and are also likely to take advantage of the parental rift in many destructive ways. When they play Mom against Dad everyone looses and the kids especially lose the security and continuity of effective parenting.

With this in mind, strike up a conversation with your ex and discuss ways in which you can agree on some rules in both houses. Don’t point fingers and put your ex on the defensive with blame or shame. Focus instead on the benefits to your children when they experience consistency and agreement between their parents.
If you can’t find a place of agreement, try to let go and accept the disparities rather than creating more tension in your relationship. Children will adapt to differences in Mom and Dad’s homes and come to accept that as reality. While they may act out more and take advantage of your lack of agreement and continuity between homes, they will survive. Trust that in time they often come to appreciate your values and the fact that you’ve stuck to them. Often as adults they will acknowledge you for the very rules that they most rebelled against.

We demand a lot from children when they move from home to home as we try to co-parent after divorce. For that reason give your kids some slack. Allow the time to transition back into your home after an away-stay with their other parent. Remind them gently about the way we do things in your house and don’t jump on them for infringements in the first hours after their return.

Remember they didn’t ask for your divorce and as hard as any of this is on you, it’s that much more difficult for them – physically as well as emotionally.

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Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook™ Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! She is also founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network. For more information, free articles on child-centered divorce, coaching services and her free ezine, go to: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

© Rosalind Sedacca 2009 All rights reserved.

Child-Centered Divorce Month Divorce Experts Lent a Helping Hand to Families in Need

I'm thrilled to announce to you that July was a valuable month of insights and education for the parents who participated in the activities presented during National Child-Centered Divorce Month.

Parents were invited to receive a host of useful free gifts from divorce experts throughout North America. The gifts included complimentary coaching sessions, ebooks on topics related to divorce and families, audio seminars and more.

In addition, divorce attorneys, mediators, financial analysts, coaches, authors and other professionals shared their expertise through a series of free teleseminars offered weekly during July. I'm making the links to the audio recordings of the teleseminars available to any divorced parents and professionals who didn’t hear them the first time around.

The teleseminar titles are listed below:

July 8: Finding the “gift” in Your Divorce
July 14: Creating a win/win Child-Centered Divorce
July 21: Healthy Transitioning Beyond Divorce
July 28: Keys to Making Sound Divorce Decisions

To access all the replays, you can send me an email at divorcepro@gmail.com with Replay Links in the subject line and she will send the four links via email.

This material is excellent and will be of great value to any parent who cares about the effects of divorce on their children. We had an exceptional team of knowledgeable and compassionate experts volunteering their time and wisdom to make these calls content-rich for parents coping with divorce-related issues. The teleseminars cover topics from deciding who to use for your divorce through parenting tips after divorce.

The campaign was quite successful and welcomes feedback from parents on any of the teleseminar material or gifts received during National Child-Centered Divorce Month. Our goal is helping parents transition through and beyond divorce in the best possible way for the well-being of their children. Educated parents make wiser decisions that lessen the negative impact of divorce on the family.

We care and we’re here to help!

Free Divorce Teleseminar Series in July

National Child-Centered Divorce Month

Free Teleseminar Series - July 2009

7:00 pm Eastern / 4:00 pm Pacific time

(Audio links will be available for all who miss a call)

July 8: Finding the “gift” in your divorce

Susan Allan
Jeffrey Malone
Carolyn Ellis

Can there be a “gift” for you and your children in your divorce? Rather than staying stuck in the pain, can we learn to transform adversity into opportunity? Can we use divorce to heal our wounds and help us develop into more loving, aware beings? Join three divorce experts -- Certified Mediator and Divorce Coach Susan Allan, author and founder of Thrive After Divorce Carolyn Ellis and Certified Master Integrative Coach Jeffrey Malone – as they discuss how to move beyond your divorce in the most conscious way as a positive role model for your children.

July 14: Creating a win/win Child-Centered Divorce

Michael Mastracci
Cynthia Tiano
Cindy Harari
Rosalind Sedacca

Are there alternatives to battling through divorce? Join former “killer” divorce attorney turned mediator, Cynthia Tiano, along with Collaborative attorney Michael Mastracci, Mediator and Parenting Coordinator Cindy Harari and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, Rosalind Sedacca – all authors of dynamic books on creating a “peaceful” divorce model for the sake of the kids – as they share their perspectives on working with or around the divorce legal system to create the best outcome for your family during and after divorce.

July 21: Healthy transitioning beyond divorce

Laura Campbell
Amy Botwinick
Belinda Rachman

What are the consequences of divorce done wrong? How do your divorce decisions affect the well-being of your children in the months and years ahead? Peaceful Divorce Mediator Belinda Rachman joins Divorce & Life Transition Coach Laura Campbell and author Amy Botwinick as they discuss strategies for moving through and then beyond divorce with dignity, self-esteem and a positive perspective for your future and your children’s.

July 28: Keys to making sound divorce decisions

Lisa Decker
Christina Rowe
Michelle Muncy

Divorce can be very costly – both physically and emotionally. Join author and divorced mother of four Christina Rowe, founder of ChildSharing, Michelle Muncy and Divorce Financial Analyst, Lisa Decker as they share insights about pro-actively planning your divorce to avoid the pitfalls of financial and psychological devastation – for you and your children. Learn the success strategies for creating a win-win divorce before signing on the dotted line – and for the months and years that follow.

To register visit www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.

Rosalind Sedacca and other Divorce Experts Providing Free Gifts for Parents During National Child-Centered Divorce Month

The third annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month is being launched with complimentary gifts for parents throughout the month of July.

Divorce book author, Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, initiated National Child-Centered Divorce Month. “These weeks are dedicated to helping parents make the best possible decisions regarding their children during and after a divorce.”

To help spread the word throughout North America a group of leading divorce experts are providing free ebooks, coaching sessions and other complimentary gifts for divorcing and divorced parents throughout July.

Included among them are authors Rosalind Sedacca, Carolyn Ellis, Christina Rowe and Amy Botwinick … attorneys and mediators Richard Kularski and Cynthia Tiano … divorce financial analyst Lisa Decker … divorce coaches Susan Allan, Laura Campbell and Shelley Stiles … plus the founders of ChildSharing, Inc. and the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children.

“Parenting is a life-long process, even when you get a divorce,” says Sedacca, author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! “We need to provide better resources and teach better coping skills to parents so they can understand the short- and long-term effects of divorce upon their children.”

Parents can access their divorce and parenting-related gifts by visiting http://www.ChildSharing.com/ChildCenteredDivorce where they can click on descriptions of each item as well as background information about each expert.

To help spread the word throughout North America a series of free teleseminars are also being offered for parents, educators and others who care about these issues. “Leading professionals within the “peaceful divorce” community will be presenting vital information parents can immediately put to use as they transition through and beyond divorce,” says Sedacca. The first free teleseminar will take place on Wednesday, July 8th at 7:00 pm EDT.

To learn more about the free teleseminar series and complimentary gifts connected with National Child-Centered Divorce Month visit: www.childcentereddivorce.com or www.childsharing.com/childcentereddivorce.

New Divorce Poll Results for Boomers Shows Need for Coping & Communication Skills

A first-of-its-kind national poll to determine if a consensus exists about how divorced baby boomers are holding up was conducted by the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center].

Participants in the poll were asked three fundamental questions about the divorce process, their relationship with their "former" spouse and the affects of divorce on the dynamics of the family.

1. What was the most challenging part of getting a divorce: custody of the children, dividing the assets or finances?
2. What life skills would have been helpful when going through your divorce: stress management, coping skills and/or communication skills?
3. What is your relationship now with your former spouse: amicable, have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children or can't be in the same room together and do not speak to each other?

Results:

Of the people participating in the poll, it was not surprising to learn a majority (41%) report that dealing with finances was the most challenging part of getting divorced. Second most challenging was dividing the assets (19%). A surprise was that custody of the children received the lowest percentage (13%).

The majority of the participants (41%) report that coping skills would have been most helpful during their divorce. Stress management was 28% with communication skills a close third at 26%. This clearly indicates the emotional toll divorce plays in most people’s lives.

Although the results show that 55% of the participants reported having an amicable relationship with their former spouse after their divorce, the comments did not coincide with that high percentage (see respondent testimonials below). Participants reported:

• 15% cannot be in the same room with their former spouse and do not speak to each other
• Only 4% have learned to tolerate each other for the sake of the children.
• "Other" came in at a high 19%.

While finances were said to be the most challenging part of getting a divorce, the comments revealed more about the sadness and embarrassment of divorce. These included: "tearing apart the family," "becoming a single mom," "telling my friends I was divorced," "realizing that I had failed," "learning to be on my own” and “not growing old with my husband."

While the majority of respondents stated they had amicable relationships with their former spouse, many of the comments were far more negative, such as: "no relationship as we hardly speak," "nonexistent," "never see or speak to him," "only e-mail," "no contact," "over--not part of my future," and "not involved in each other's lives at all."

Methodology

During May 2009 the poll was available to both men and women baby boomers on National Association of Divorce for Women and Children and the Baby Boomer [Knowledge Center]™ websites. To achieve maximum participation the poll was also published on: Menopauserus.com, WrightMinded.com, Wise Heart Coaching, Cyber Hot Flash, the National Association of Baby Boomer Women, Kalon Women, and sent to more than 30 experts from the National Association of Divorce for Women and Children. A total of 1,876 people responded. All responses were anonymous.

About National Association of Divorce for Women and Children

The www.NADWC.org is a 24/7 on-line Resource Center to support, encourage and inspire women going through a life-changing experience such as divorce who want to rejuvenate their own lives and the lives of their children.

Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network, is one of the expert advisors for the organization.

So what does this poll mean for those who provide services to divorcing couples? How can we help ease the emotional turmoil especially when children are involved? These are some of the questions we hope to discuss through interviews and the free teleseminar series taking place during National Child-Centered Divorce Month in July.

We encourage parent participation, media contact, questions and exploration of new alternatives available especially for parents as they move through the divorce maze.

To learn more about National Child-Centered Divorce Month contact Rosalind Sedacca at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit www.childcentereddivorce.com.

Professional Divorce Community Planning 3rd Annual National Child-Centered Divorce Month

National Child-Centered Divorce Month
bringing attention to children’s needs
when parents divorce or separate

The third annual recognition of National Child-Centered Divorce Month will take place in July throughout the United States. The month is dedicated to alerting parents about the consequences their behaviors and decisions have upon their children during and after a divorce. Professionals who share these concerns, including therapists, attorneys, mediators, financial planners, coaches, educators, clergy and others, will be joining forces to share their insights about one key message all divorcing parents need to understand: Regardless of your own emotional state, it is essential to put your children's needs first when making decisions related to divorce or separation.

National Child-Centered Divorce Month was initiated by author Rosalind Sedacca, CCT, a certified corporate trainer recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. Sedacca has created a Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents and works closely with a broad group of therapists, attorneys, mediators, divorce coaches, educators, financial planners and other professionals. All are focused on providing ways to create the most positive and harmonious outcomes for families transitioning through divorce.

“I am passionate about enlisting the nation’s legal, therapeutic and educational communities to bring a heightened awareness to parents about their responsibility to their children’s well-being before, during and after divorce,” says Sedacca, who is the author of the professionally acclaimed ebook, How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Preparing Your Children -- with Love! “We can never overemphasize how dramatically parental decisions about divorce can affect their children – for years – and often for a lifetime.”

Professionals around the nation will be announcing free teleseminars, workshops, discussion groups, coaching and other activities of an educational and motivational nature for divorced parents and those contemplating divorce.

Parents and divorce professionals interested in learning more about activities related to National Child-Centered Divorce Month can get involved through a number of resources that will be participating and posting relevant information and press releases. These include:

• www.childcentereddivorce.com
• www.childcentereddivorce.blogspot.com
• www.childsharing.com
• www.peacefuldivorce.ning.com
• www.divorceaxis.com
• www.changecoachshelley.com

The goal, according to Sedacca, is to unite and then spread the word that “when parents divorce, their children need them more than ever. Don't let them down.”

For more information about Child-Centered Divorce Month in July contact Rosalind directly at Rosalind@childcentereddivorce.com or visit her website at: http://www.childcentereddivorce.com where she provides free articles, her blog, free ezine and many useful resources for parents transitioning through divorce and beyond. Scroll to the bottom of the Home page for updates.